each moment

it hit me that I haven't been living in the moment like I thought I was. I want to be able to just relish in everything because, in all honesty, I'm incredibly blessed with the family I have, with the things provided for me, and with the ability to stay home and raise my two boys. but today I 'got the feeling' that something wasn't quite right ... God will do that to me from time to time.

I was caught up in doing something, can't remember what it was now so obviously not too important, and I heard Eli crying. "ok," I thought, "I'll give him a minute," and went back to whatever it was that I was doing. I did that like 3 times before I actually went to him, and of course by then, his face was all red and he was more than upset. the second I saw the look in his face, it broke my heart and I felt incredibly guilty for making anything else a priority.
I feel like a bad mother as I'm writing this ... but the good news is I got the message!
Eli is under 2 months old, still a newborn, still very much in need of his mama. he was inside me so much longer - why wouldn't he still need to be held ALL the time?! and snuggle ALL the time?! and want to nurse ALL day long?!
I was so happy and honored to do that when he was born. 2 months of not sleeping, losing energy, chasing a 3 year old around, while trying to get back into a routine of dinner, cleaning house, storytime, and playdates led me to not make time for what baby really needs, which is a strong bond with mama.
it didn't turn off like a switch, which probably would be easier to just turn back on, but it was slow and almost unrecognizable. of course he's fed, clothed, and comes with me wherever I go, but it's often done without love and more like out of responsibility. I don't EVER want my kids to feel like a burden. I'm sure that comes through my attitude as well as my actions. ok, lesson learned!

a funny twist ...
I got this new understanding mid-day, so I decided to use the snugli frontpack the rest of the evening. like most babies, he loves it! he loves being close to me and hearing my heartbeat again; he doesn't stay awake very long. I don't mind wearing it at all; it surprisingly doesn't hurt my back to wear it and my hands are free to do whatever.
so he's sound asleep and I have to go to the bathroom. well, I can't unload him and put him in his bouncy seat; he'd probably wake up and plus I don't want him to get used to me leaving him like earlier. I tried holding it, ignoring it, but when you gotta go, you gotta go! so I went ... with the snugli attached ... it was interesting to say the least. have you ever tried to do that?! he slept through the whole thing, surprisingly.
now tell me, is that crossing the line? I realize that even though baby is physically out of me, he's still very much dependent on me so it's like we're still attached, but I couldn't decide just how ridiculous it was to go to the bathroom with him on me like that. it must be love!

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