25 forever

I recently had a birthday.  I'm 33 ... easy to type, not so easy to say out loud.
I was talking with my mama about aging, and I was explaining to her how I still feel like I'm 25.  of course there have been changes; maturity still happens in these years (just in case you're not aware!) but overall, my body is keeping up, my mind still feels sharp, I still have my perfect vision, I haven't had a new cavity in years, I am more or less back to the same size I was before babies (more on the more side rather than the less) ... and then she told me "you know what?  I still feel 25 too."


she's said this before, but this time it stuck.  a light bulb went off.


I met a woman just the other day.  she must've been in her 60's.  she lives just a few doors down from us and I met her through Sam.  *I am always meeting other adults through my kids - they are constantly breaking the ice with people.  they are not the shy type! *  she has an 7 year old chid with her that she homeschools.  I say "so you have full custody of him?"  she said "yes, he's our adopted son."  I was a tad shocked.  I thought maybe it was her grandson, but families do come together in a variety of ways, more now than ever.  we got to talking about curriculum and she had many concerns and questions.  both of us are in it for the first time this year, but she was really looking to me for advice.


I sat down and talked to her as an equal.  its like we were both 25, having the same concerns with our children and finding confidence in each other.  I spoke to her respectfully (I do believe in the whole respect your elders thing) but it was a very peer-like conversation.


I guess it just another example for me to see that people are people.  I tend to get hung up on how different God made us all, I think because I married a man that is so opposite from me, but really, we are very similar.  if we could all be 25, it might be easier to talk to each other, no?


my mom has become a much better friend and mentor to me ever since I had kids ... and I was 26 when that happened.  go figure ...

a clue

usually people struggle financially with school ... of course most of us do the college thing after the high school thing. not me of course. I went to high school, got married, then went to school, but then didn't finish because then I had babies ... sigh. I understand the method it's "suppose to be," ... but I believe in His plan, so I guess that doesn't matter, does it?

whenever it begins to matter in a young girls life, that's when I began struggling with what I am suppose to do. what do I want to be when I grow up? and since becoming a christian, the question becomes, what is my calling?

since I became a mommy before having to pick a career, I simply didn't have to and assumed that being a mommy was my calling. problem solved ... sort of.

since becoming a wife/mother, I've known that "my place" isn't always going to be in the home. when we had kids, we both agreed we didn't want a daycare to raise our kids. luckily, we've always had that option, and for that I am thankful. Sam is almost 6 ... so it's been 6 years now that I've been at home. coming from a life of working 2 jobs (at one time 3), and actually enjoying it, 6 years of not working at all outside the home has been, at times, difficult.

as I was working on my Avon stuff, I had a thought the other day about going back to school to become a licensed esthetician. now I honestly think the beauty industry is so full of deception, however, there is a side that is genuine, and that is the part that intrigues me. I like how a hair style and makeup is a way to express yourself, how clear skin boosts your self confidence, and the feeling your whole body can get from a single massage.

the school I want to attend is downtown and only take 7 months, but that's an hour drive each way and they require full time hours ... neither I can do right now. it was a big bummer. I don't think a door has ever closed so fast on me before.

ok God, I hear you.

and the waiting game continues ...

leaving christianity

can one really leave christianity?

I used to not think so, but I read this entertainment blog (which by the way, I NEVER do! I saw the title and it intrigued me.) and I thought she explained it just about perfectly.

Ann Rice fan? check it out.

simplicity

I hate it when my revelations are so simple, don't you? don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for it, but I sometimes feel like "why didn't I think of that?!"

humans are far from perfect, me specifically.

I just came back from a long walk. no music. no babies. just me and my thoughts.

so we're moving again (as you know) and I'm wondering why we have this pattern of moving. I don't think I have final clarity on that, but I did get it on part of it. the answer - people.

my husband is a people person, definitely an extrovert, and has finally accepted it as a gift with the intent to use it righteously. me on the other hand I am an introvert, which I realize is not bad, I just have a different approach to people. the boys so far are following their father's footsteps on that one, which I love to see.

I used to think that I wanted/needed to stop all this crazy moving and get settled, grow some roots, and get connected with people. I did get connected with mom's clubs and church groups, but when we had to move, I was disappointed and hurt that I had to [sort of] give up these relationships. you can only do so much over facebook. :) after this loss I didn't rejoin anything in the next town, and so when we moved again, I was glad I didn't have to go through that heartache all over again. I kind of saved myself from it.

I brought myself to a place where I saw people everywhere I went and they became sort of faceless. its easy to generalize people, and that's what I did. I saw them as a group, all the same, not needing, or necessarily wanting to get to know any of them. I thought, why bother?

but what I realized that know matter where we go there will be people (obviously!) and they all need/want a source of light. why do I forget that I am a source of light?!

we are a source, to someone, for something specific. no matter where we go, our light will not be dimmed. we need to see each person, for each person. we ought to see them the way God created them, as individuals; unique, gifted, and as His children, to be loved.

my idea of connecting with people is different than what God just taught me. I thought "connecting" was having life-long relationships, to know their hearts desire, to know their families, to talk about their perspective on God, etc. if/when a spiritual connection presents itself between two people, words and time are almost not necessary.

in my opinion, being a christian means to be thankful for each day, each second even. to appreciate what's been given to you (even the things not necessarily given to you) and take advantage of those situations God has you in. circumstances change, and I believe with good reason from above.

Matt and I have talked extensively about how and why this is happening for our children. always trying to keep the glass 1/2 full, we thought maybe this is conditioning them for mission work later on in life. Matt and I had always talked about getting involved with that, and maybe we still will later on, but I know that following generations take things a step further than the originals ever did. God only knows! it's just a thought.

it doesn't matter where we go, we can make a difference. it isn't necessary to stay in one spot to get connected to people. I think I just got a step closer to something.

ever-changing

In the midst of change, I get attacked by my family. no one approves.

my christian family has nothing but encouraging, supportive words.

hhmmmm, coincidence? I think not.

before I was a believer, I too hated change. I was somehow taught that change = bad. you're out of your comfort zone, not fully knowing what will happen and when, less in control, and left with worry or anxiety about it.

here I am, 10 years in my walk now, and I have a comfort and peace that can only come from God. I still dislike change, but I've come to realize the value of change. and it really is valuable.

how can you grow without getting up from that comfort zone? the answer - you can't.

can you ever really have total control? the answer - not ever possible

why worry about tomorrow when it's not even here yet? the answer - just don't

when do you stop changing? is there a certain, special age that we mentally stop? now, I'm thinking of a person, such as myself, one that didn't grow up with God and without [most] of His teachings. what happened to me? somewhere along the way, I stopped learning and growing. as a child, I don't think you know you're growing spiritually, even though you are. now for my boys, having 2 believing parents, they may not know right this second, but as the years continue and they take in our wisdom [along with God's, of course] they have the foundation from the start; it's the format to never stop growing, never stop changing, and being able to look back and recognize it for what it really is. as an adult, I can see where God was in some areas of my life, but my foundation was in 2 non-believers, which ultimately skewed God's perspective in my life. it simply wasn't there.

so as far as Hawaii goes, we're in. the finances and the details are still being worked out, but as of now, we are going to go for it. and like I said, no one likes that we're doing this.

I wrote an email to my mother explaining our situation [again]. this time I think I got out what I wanted to say, with the right words. I lack the right ones more often than not, so mom, I'm glad you like this response ... and I hope you don't mind me sharing it. for any friends & family reading, I hope this helps you too. here it is:

In a way we are nomads, because we are still searching for the right place to call home. It’s one of those things you know when you get there. In another way, we are missionaries. As a christian, you do have a ministry and it goes wherever you do. But what if we were? With a church, traveling around the world? And yes kids would come too. I don’t think you’d be happy with that either.

My needs are met. My desires have been not met at times, but we are not in that place anymore. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you that. Our marriage is healed, it’s been made whole again. We communicate, we trust each other, and we make decisions together.
God is our stability, and that is what we are teaching our boys. Where we live, how we get money is circumstancial. There is a bigger picture, and it’s so much bigger mom!! Think about it, what REALLY matters in life? For us, it’s God and each other, and what a bonus, we could live in paradise too.

So let me explain -
We have been talking and wanting to live greener, as in sustainable farming. Grow most of our food and get off “the system.” yes you could do that anywhere, but after visiting Hawaii we thought, wow everything will grow here and very easily too. In Colorado, it would take more effort. We would need more time for education, more money for greenhouses, even with a greenhouse there is still an off season to growing. In Hawaii, you start now and it never ends. No extra heating for the chickens. The cost of living out there is not extreme. Lots of agricultural land is available and not ridiculously expensive. So why not???? That’s the beauty of homeshool, the greatness of having flexibility, and the security in God to take care of us.

I appreciate you looking out for my best interests, that’s what a good parent does. However, you don’t see the world the same way I do. Until the day I die, or you die, I will continue to try and show you how God works. :)

jinx

like I said, change is ineveitable. for me, it's one of those bittersweet things.

originally we moved to Divide to get out of suburbia; it was a compromise before we got REALLY out, or "off the grid" as Matthew likes to call it. we both wanted out so bad. there is something about the cookie-cutter maze which makes up suburbia, that just really gets under our skin. back in September we were down to 2 places; 1 being in the historical downtown area & also close to Samuel's school, but then there was this other house (the one we're in now) that offered a bit more space than we needed, but really spectacular and literally in the forest. since the cost was the same, we opted for beauty than convenience. it's so gorgeous here, but I think we're discovering that we made a mistake.

this house is in an HOA ... which basically means you are not free to do whatever. granted we're not going to have our front yard filled with cars that don't run, but they seriously have some crazy rules. for instance, you cannot collect storm water (like to water your plants or whatever), you cannot have chickens (most people wouldn't care, but I could've had up to 10 in the in city. you'd think in the mountains it would be more flexible!), you cannot water your landscape, which also means you can't have gardens (which would be difficult anyway due to all the deer, but that's not the point) ... and that's all I can think of right now.

the other downer to living here is the distance from what our priorities are becoming. we knew Samuel's school was 40 minutes away, that's not really the problem. our fellowship with other believers have increased; before we just didn't know people to really connect with. we are more or less done with superficial, surface-y relationships, and honestly, we as a couple (ok it's really my husband!) is a difficult person to take. you either love him or hate him ... and I mean that in the best way possible. by not having friends, makes it real easy to think of just ourselves, but since we do, we have a need to be near these people. we are entering a season of serving, and not just because there is a conviction, it's a whole new level for us.

While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak with him. Someone told him, "your mother and brother are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." he replied to him, "who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" pointing to his disciples, he said "here are my mother and my brothers. for whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother." Matthew 12:46-50

so basically, the grass was greener on the other side. I think most things would've appeared greener, considering we were living in his parents' basement!

I forsee another move in our future ... but we all knew that was coming, didn't we?

every hair is counted

yesterday while grocery shopping, Sam asked to get his haircut. I was about to take him because he REALLY needed one but Matthew said "no I'll just do it at home." I was reluctant because he's tried before, twice, and both times Sam's head ended up bald. Sam (and most kids) in my opinion do not look good bald. he's only 5, still in the cute kid stage. I know one day he'll be a gross kid who wants to do everything to the extreme, but he's just not there yet.

let me back up a bit, a couple weeks ago, Sam took the clippers and started to cut his own hair. he got a good chunk up in front, but with a clever comb-over you couldn't tell. seriously, a comb-over worked! so not only did his hair need fixing, it was long everywhere else, so it was totally time for a cut. all the more reason to pay someone else to do it, right?

So after Matthew has cut out "the bowl" with scissors and trimmers, it's time to fade it with the clippers that have the different guards for various lengths. I am not a fan of "the bowl cut." and of course, the clippers aren't working right. we plug them in to charge, and they're still not working right. ugh. so guess what ... Sam is bald. no, I'm not too happy about it.

as Sam runs upstairs away from Matthew, crying, I come up after him to talk with him and calm him down.

me: you want the good news? or the bad news?

Sam: good news

me: it's just hair and it will grow back. more good news, next time you need a hair cut, I will take you in to have it done. promise.

Sam: bad news?

me: you have a bald head, and it's winter, and you'll probably be cold.

to that he laughs and calms down a bit. he makes up with daddy, although he wouldn't let him rub his newly bald head. :) but it got me thinking about my own hair.

awhile back, I posted about my hair (read it here) and long story short, I am growing it out to donated to a charity that makes wigs for cancer patients. I think about my goal daily because I'm currently in the hair phase of deal with it's ugliness or chop it off. luckily I can put it in a ponytail now, so I just pull it back out of my face and try to ignore it the best I can.

after talking with Sam, I realize it's the same case for me -

1. it's just hair

2. it will grow back

so does this mean I should go bald when the time comes to donate? I certainly don't want to be bald, just like Sam didn't want to be bald. he ran upstairs and cried, and that's probably what I would/will do too.

and then I think about why I'm doing this anyway; I'm doing it for people who don't or can't grow hair, for people who actually need it & want it, for people with cancer who do enough fighting with having the disease, along with all those medications they have to take daily, for the aches & pains they feel, and of course the chemo process that makes them bald in the first place. can you imagine all that?! when I get to thinking about that, I care even less about my hair and what it looks like. maybe I should go totally bald so I can empathize even more.

I don't know if it's possible, but I would love it if I could meet the actual person who will be wearing my hair. like I said before, I don't know anyone first hand that has had to go through this. God has just put it on my heart, big time, to be proactive with the little things that I can do. after all, it's just hair. it will grow back.

who knows? maybe God is getting me ready for my own cancer battle. maybe someone close to me will get cancer and I will be their support. or maybe none of that, and I can be some kind of spokesperson or charity/events organizer for cancer patients. who knows? God knows.

life

what a roller coaster ride this life is. although for me, part of it is being married to the man that I am!! but God brought us together for a reason ... I find that out more each and every day.

thinking of who I was years ago, I could not of have had a clue where my life would end up. I never had anything planned. I always knew I'd get married, but never had a certain prince charming in mind. I thought for sure I'd be a working woman, but didn't know where. I knew I'd have kids one day, but didn't think about how many or if they'd be boys are girls. I just knew life would happen, and work itself out somehow.

reading that you'd probably think I'm a very go-with-the-flow type person. naturally, I'm really not. I'm definitely a creature of habit. Change usually rubs me the wrong way. When I/we go out, I like to know where I'm going a plan a bit instead of driving around aimlessly. I have my moments, but I am not usually spontaneous. I'm conservative. I dislike surprises. I'm much more of a by-the-book type. honestly, I would consider myself somewhat boring. so think of the exact opposite of all that, and you have my husband!

as life would have it, I married an extrovert while I am a stay-at-home mom with 2 boys. I would never have pictured myself in these shoes. funny how God works things out, isn't it?

I have married a man who would rather try and fail than to wonder "what if" the rest of his life. for the first half of our marriage I hated him for that; so willing to drag me along on another escapade no matter the outcome. now I applaud him for embracing change, for wanting a better life, a life that will really give him and his family purpose. he is not your 9 to 5 kind of guy; he is an entrepreneur and his mind is creative while always thinking outside the box.

I've struggled for many years on what my purpose is here in this life. still kind of do. but I'm realizing that because I haven't ever been REALLY passionate for something, that I could adapt to almost anything. and with the multiple moves we've made, along with the various job opportunities hubby has had, change has become apart of my life.

I always wished I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. some people do, and I envy that. some people have beautiful, natural, God-given gifts and it's ridiculously apparent what they should do with their lives; that I envy even more. but this isn't me.

not totally sure where all this is coming from. just some self-discovery venting here, you don't mind, right? there must be change on the horizon ... or I'm jinxing myself. either way, change is inevitable. bring it.

merry chirstmas

Merry CHRISTmas!

Being a christian I've known December 25th is Jesus' birthday, but I've used this day like the rest of the world - this year included. I'm going through the motions of the day, the way our culture has created it to be. traveling to be with family, friends, eating lots of food, dressing up, buying and giving gifts ... which is all great, but if today is a birthday, shouldn't we be honoring Him? I'm going through the motions because I feel an obligation, and I don't feel like I'm honoring Jesus by doing it.

the obligation is from what I was raised in, by worldly people. and kids believe the truth to be whatever their parents do and say. after becoming an adult (whenever that was) it then becomes my fault, my ignorance, my obligation, my distraction from what Christmas is REALLY suppose to be.

a true believer doesn't just believe in Jesus. a true believer doesn't just go to church on Sundays. it's not just about reading the bible, it's about living it. and not just on Christmas, but every single day.

going through the motions of obligation is NOT living it. I don't want to pass onto my children that same obligation. Today we honor the birth of our Lord.

I'm not entirely sure what that will include (I'm thinking volunteering &/or a soup kitchen) but I just know that how we are doing it this year is not right. Give in a way you can; give with faith to people who actually need it ... like Jesus came to heal the sick, to those who needed it and were faithful for it.

Americans consume way too much as it is ... and then to throw Christmas on top of that, then it just become ridiculous! how much stuff does a person need?!

All that said, we've decided to tell Samuel that Santa is a made up story. He's definitely not traumatized, in fact, I'm not convinced he totally believes us. he says "what about all the songs mama?" I guess he'll get it next year!

Happy Birthday Jesus!

trust fall

did you have to do trust falls in gym class? I remember doing them. I also remember being so nervous about them, not fully trusting who was going to catch me.

Sam and I were waiting for Papa to do something, and I suddenly thought to show this to Sam. he didn't get it.

so Papa comes out and suggests we show him. for some reason, I didn't think I had to endure that nervousness and anxiety that I did in junior high. I obviously can't catch him (he's 300 lbs), so I guess it was up to me to show Sam how it's done.

it's one thing to eat the vegetables you don't like in front of your kids to show them - yes, it can be done. this trust fall is another thing.

so arms out, turn and check he's there and ready to catch me. yep, he's there. I'm ready, no, wait, check again. I'm ready, no, wait, will Elliott get in the way? no, he's safe and watching too. I'm ready, no wait, check again. finally, just do it already!

he did catch me, but I admit, I did take a small step back in that last mili-second. so I went through the process again. glad to say I wasn't so chicken the second time around.

realizing there is fear in me, bringing it out in the open, and just going through that process takes effort. as much as I didn't want to confront it, I also knew I had to. especially because Sam was there and watching. not just watching, but watching to see how it's done so he can have a turn.

in the end, Sam got to see and was able to do it too. he went through his own process, but it was much shorter than mine ... and too, he doesn't care if his brother gets in the way. sometimes that no fear thing kids have seems so wrong, but actually, that's the way God wants us to be all the time.

what's the worst that can happen? I will fall on the floor. I will be sore, but I will live.

another situation - flying in a plane, what's the worst that can happen? we will crash and die. I'm headed to heaven to see my Creator, so is that really so bad? nope, it shouldn't be.

find someone to do a trust fall with. see if you can do it too. you will. :)

I am not my own

more and more I am being shown that I am not my own. we are taught by the world to have, take, or keep control of our lives, but really, God has control. total control. to me, that's comforting. scary at times, but ultimately, it's comforting.

change of subject, but I'll bring it all back together ...

moving to CO I had to chop my hair. the elevation totally flattened it and I didn't know what to do with it. honestly, I don't care about my hair. sometimes I try to be a girly girl, but it's fake and it lasts only a short time. it's just not in me to care or get excited about it.

with these 2 thoughts running around in my head, I finally got to put them together with a 3rd thought ...

for whatever reason, my heart aches for people affected by cancer. it's a disease that comes no matter what you do to avoid it. a disease with no sure cure available. people of all ages gets it. no one knows why or how.

I really don't have too much experience with cancer. I don't know my family tree that far back, but of the ones I know, there are a couple that have died from cancer. but their deaths came from their lifestyle of smoking; in my opinion, their own stupidity. but from what I remember, I don't think they had to go through chemo and loose their hair. the cancer was either too far gone or came on too fast.

I also got involved with a mom's club a couple years ago, and I became the community outreach contact for the group. I'd set up park clean-up days, get us in the local parades, and one year, got us involved with the Relay for Life, which is a huge event to raise money for cancer awareness and research. I was so happy to help and so heartbroken at the candlelight vigil held that night.

all that put together equal this ...

seeing and understanding that I am not my own, and I don't really care about my hair, and I somehow want to help ease the pain of cancer, I've decided to get involved with Pantene and their Beautiful Lengths program. I don't particularly like Pantene products, their too heavy for me, but they have this great program with the American Cancer Society.

so hair donation has been added to my bucket list. :)

wish me luck to grow my hair that long!! should be interesting. I haven't had long hair since high school I think.

Here are some other programs to get involved with if you're interested too.

boundaries

as much as I dislike CA, here is something else I've learned from my trip.

one day I took the boys to the lake. going to the ocean is a lot of work! plus it's huge with tons of people ... I require 2 adults for that one, but the lake is doable so we spent many days there.

at most beaches you will see the "swim area" roped off, which is the area that the lifeguard watches. moms with kids, especially multiple kids, feel better having another set of eyeballs on their kids, making sure no one is drowning. cheers to lifeguards!

one day we went, we were early and could choose any spot on the beach. but since I'm the one who ends up carrying everything, I choose the first empty spot I see, which is on the edge of the roped off area.

so we're hanging out, swimming, playing in the sand, having our picnic, it was a great day. Sam was walking around and found a small school of fish. he was so excited! his excitement took him wherever the fish went ... da da dum ... outside of the roped off area. of course the lifeguard blew his whistle and told Sam he couldn't play over there.

on the one hand, I also was dealing with Elliott and was happy to have a "babysitter" with me in case Sam was in trouble. but on the other hand it really bothered me that those rules are so strict. he was in the water to his ankles, and really, is it so dangerous on that side of the rope and not the other? in my opinion, no it's not.

it's got me thinking ...

as parents, we are choosing to raising our boys with a kingdom perspective. yes the details of life are important, but in a kingdom perspective the big picture is vital. the big picture in our house is God's plan, the kingdom being the whole world, or having the potential to be.

in the scope of things, being outside the rope is so trivial. however when dealing with kids, you begin teaching the basics ... like following the rules and stay inside the rope.

I don't ever want to be hypocritical, I think that's why this is bugging me. I feel like I have to teach Sam the world's "right way" and then when he gets that, I can teach him God's right way. I know that's wrong ... typing that even feels wrong! it seems one needs to know the rules backwards and forwards, and only then are you allowed to bend them ... like knowing outside the rope is just as safe/dangerous as being on the inside.

in school he's learning about God, His rules, and how to pray. is he really spiritual yet? with all the rebellion, I'd have to say no way ... haha, of course all that is between him and God. but he's learning it in his head before learning it and living it with his heart.

I think the social norms the world has created and emphasized are starting to stand out to me. know what I'm talking about? please leave me a comment with your thoughts.

21 days

I've heard it said that it takes 21 days, or 3 weeks, to create a habit. and yes, there are some habits you WANT to create, all are not bad.

some I've tried in the past, and am trying again -

drinking more water - this has always been so difficult for me. I have a hard time drinking when I'm not thirsty. and especially now, I'm living at 6,000+ feet elevation, about to move to 9,200 feet, so I need even more than before. do you know how much you are suppose to drink? find out here. it's usually much more than you think!

taking care of my teeth - I got the bad teeth in my family. I had no cavities my whole childhood, then at 17 I had a few at once. it's been downhill ever since. I've had braces due to TMJ, oral surgery a couple times, too many cavities, no root canals or anything (which I've heard are sooooo painful!) but enough to make me dislike going to the dentist, ever.

watching what I eat - I've NEVER been good at counting calories, and my nutrition knowledge is limited ... but I'm learning. mostly, my common sense leads me on this one. that said, I still have a big weakness for sweets. sometimes it's multiple times a day that I give in. bad. bad. bad. it has to stop. yes I'm overweight for my height (really, who matches the doctors stats on that one?!) but not overweight enough to look like I REALLY need help. have you seen that commercial where the beautiful lady gets out of a limo for the red carpet, and then faints? it's for diabetes; beautiful on the outside, but on the inside she was messed up. I've been getting that image more and more lately.

becoming a morning person so I can have time with God - I have been getting up when the kids get up. when that happens, I get so swept up in what the boys are doing and getting them ready, that by the end of the day, I realize I've missed having ANY time with God at all. I feel withdrawn, thus my current conviction of self-discipline.

this a-ha came to me while in CA. I saw a mini-van that had the fruits of the spirit (Gal 5:22-23) printed on the back windshield in different fonts. Self-discipline stood out the most to me, partly because of the font it was in, but mostly because I struggle with it and God wanted me to see it. I saw that van a few times, and if you've ever been in SoCal, you know it's almost difficult to run into anyone twice there.

21 days ... maybe. this time I have conviction, which is stronger than my own willpower any day.

my verse for the day (week, month, year) is Proverbs 14:10

each heart knows its own bitterness

and no one else can share its joy

CA fear

so Steve, your comment got me thinking ...
being here in CA, I'm trying to analyze why I don't like it here. before it was just a gut feeling and I went with it, but being the introvert I am, I tend to sit back and watch what is around me.

a couple examples -
at the lake, we come with the basics - us in our suits, sunblock, few sand toys, towels, and a small cooler with snacks. everyone else has this, but it's times 10. not just bathing suits, but suits with UV tops along with hats and water shoes. not just a few sand toys, but what seems to be a playroom full of sand toys. not just a few drinks/snacks, a huge cooler full of food. umbrellas, chairs, boogie boards, goggles, floaties ... and on and on and on.

what if my kids want this, this, and that? better buy it all so they never complain ...

driving around south orange county, you will notice how perfect the landscaping is. everything is green, and it really is beautiful. but after awhile you notice that every single square inch is covered. planned for. used up. there is no area that I know of that is untouched. even the spaces on the on/off ramps to the freeway is landscaped. and watered regularly. there is not a tree in the whole county that doesn't have a steak holding up. God forbid a leaf falling on the ground. it's perfect. everyday.

what if we let nature take it's course? nope, water everything all the time ... even though there is a drought happening.

the kids are too "protected" with stuff; there is no room for sunburns, stubbed toes, or playing in the sand with your hands. the landscaping seems to be perfect so no one gets hurt walking down the street, tripping over a stick or something. no way to just walk on an unpaved pathway. no way your kids could go on a nature walk to find things for a craft project. why nothing when you can build another Starbucks?

there is no room for imagination. no free play. it's all chain stores. apparently there is something you "need" for every occasion. forget that, no occasion necessary. here, you just need it.

I'm sure it's not just SoCal, it's probably anywhere with money. people with money seem to live life based on their fears. as if money can cover it and make the it go away. I'm sure some think so.
there is a spiritual principal here; I'm sure there are more, it's just the one I'm sensitive to. its rubbed me the wrong way from the beginning. it seems that no one is comfortable with real life. all the "stuff" clutters it up. it's easy to identify yourself with your stuff, which is what people do here. the facade.

I pray for an awakening.

love

Sin takes on so many different forms, and the thing that is always the same is how ugly it is. actually, disgusting might be a better word for it. It's easy to say you have sin, because we all have sin, but to get a real revelation of it is totally different.

The other day was a bad day, I have been in need of a break for awhile. my in-laws have been on vacation for over a month, my husband has been working 60+ hours per week, my kids aren't in school, I have no babysitter ... it's been just me and the kiddos all the time. Mommies need breaks!

I am also going through other changes; we will be moving again, hubby had to quit his job, many unpaid bills, blah blah blah. I had been handling all this fairly well (if I do say so myself) but all this plus needy kids had created major stress this one particular day. the kids were crying, I was trying to cook dinner, and I had to just walk away because anger had filled me from head to toe. when I did get control of anger, I was hit with the revelation of love, or rather, the lack there of. I realized I was so angry at my kids because I was so focused on myself. I felt so awful.

This hit me hard since it came about because of my kids. Any mom will tell you what a connection there is between her and her baby; 9 months inside, 12+ months nursing, I'm a stay at home mom, I am so in love with my kids ... or so I thought. a bad day, a few wrong buttons pushed, stupid circumstantial stuff and I realize how conditional my love is. I guess for whatever reason, I thought I was different. I thought unconditional love was possible for people to have, more like a choice.

Sin is intertwined in everything, which makes us soliders to fight it every day, actually every second of everyday. Lord, give us eyes to see and ears to hear.

God is THE only one who loves truly UNconditioally. now I know.

today's word

my life is difficult lately.  definitely being tested.  it's a bittersweet season.

Sam's school is literally on the clear other side of town, the side of town I'd love to move to.  it takes a good 1/2 hour to get there from where we are now.

as I was driving home I start daydreaming about living in that neighborhood, thinking of all the positives to moving ... what if this, and what if that.  going over the argument that hasn't even happened yet with Matthew, working it all up in my head - yea that's bad, I know.

I've always said that I want to move somewhere, anywhere, and just stay there.  we've moved so much, and I REALLY HATE IT!!!  it's something I don't want my kids to have to get used to.  all the unstability is truly maddening!

so I ask myself "why do you want to move and stay somewhere SO badly?"  getting settled will give me the ability to connect, grow, and get involved with the community; the stuff I like to do. like all the farming parables in the bible, I want to get planted, grow strong roots, and blossom.

and then I thought, where are your roots?  in whatever house you want to live in?

then God says to me, where are your roots suppose to be?  of course, I cried.

and that's been Matthew's argument all along.  it shouldn't matter where you live, or how many times you move.  where is your focus?

I was given a kingdom perspective today.  wow.

I still HATE the idea of moving, but now my spirit knows better.  I also know that where ever my roots are, chances are my kids will follow ... no matter how many times we move.

operator error

wow.  I haven't blogged in awhile.

I've come to realize that I don't blog/journal to process, but only to vent.  I'm very introvert, so when something is going on, I keep it inside.  I was once taught this is bad and toxic.  I agree, it definitely can be toxic, if you keep it bottled up.  you're then a ticking time bomb ... and that's who I used to be.

so I'm not bottled up (not to be confused with being constipated!) but I don't necessarily want to air my dirty laundry here for you all to read.  it would make me feel like you're reading a gossip magazine ... not that my life compares, but you know what I mean.

I initially said this is my blog to vent whatever ... but turns out that's harder than I thought.  I guess for now, it will stay a "happy blog."  one day I'll get some you-know-whats and say what I really want to say.  one day.

updates on the family to come ... I'm trying to get my scanner to work ... I'm sure it's operator error!

learn everyday

written by Andy Rooney, a man who has the gift of saying so much with so few words. Enjoy.

I've learned.... That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned.... That when you're in love, it shows.
I've learned.... That just one person saying to me, 'You've made my day!' makes my day.
I've learned.... That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.
I've learned.... That being kind is more important than being right.
I've learned.... That you should never say no to a gift from a child.
I've learned.... That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.
I've learned.... That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned.... That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.
I've learned.... That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.
I've learned.... That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I've learned.... That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.
I've learned.... That money doesn't buy class.
I've learned.... That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.
I've learned... That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.
I've learned.... That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.
I 've learned.... That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.
I've learned.... That love, not time, heals all wounds.
I've learned.... That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.
I've learned... That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.
I've learned.... That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.
I've learned... That life is tough, but I'm tougher.
I've learned.... That opportunities are never lost, someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned.... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
I've learned.... That I wish I could have told my Mom that I love her one more time before she passed away.
I've learned.... That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.
I've learned.... That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.I've learned.... That when your newly born grandchild holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.
I've learned.... That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
I've learned.... That the less time I have to work with, the more things I get done.

red lights

so I'm the first one in my lane to reach the red light. as I'm sitting there I think about all the times I've been that first person in line at a light. I realize it happens pretty often.
and I think how can that be possible with so many other drivers on the road? it can't always be me at the front. how often are you the first in line?
the "pressure" of having to know when the light turns green so no one will honk at you.
the paranoia of the cars that just got the red light, so you can have the green light, wondering if they will all stop or if that one moron thinks his light is still yellow and decides to run it.
or getting up to the speed limit so the guy behind you isn't on your tail anymore.

anyway, what I really wanted to share is this, not all that nonsense -
since I'm first at the red light, I look around to see ... whatever. across the intersection is a church (Assembly of God, I think) and they always have something clever up on their sign.
tonight it said: take life as it comes, but never leave it how you found it

I love clever ideas, inventions, and sayings like this. it's so simple, yet many times so difficult to do. Ghandi once said, "be the change you want to see," which is so right on in my opinion.

I hope the hundreds of people that drive by this church have the "ears to hear" the messages they put up. it's awesome that they are using words like Jesus did, hidden or not so hidden meanings, using parables.

as I see more of them, I'll share it with you blog-land!

goo-goo ga-ga

I don't claim to be an expert at anything. but as I am going through the experience of babyhood the second time around, I've allowed the truth to really set in about a few things. here are some of my latest revelations and so, some mommy advice from me to you.

*if your baby doesn't want a binky, don't force it. if you're on your first baby, you can't imagine what the fight will be like when he/she is 3 and still won't want to give it up. yes, they may be loud now, but better now than later. much better. toddlers have bigger lungs along with a vocabulary to whine and cry about it, a lot longer than any baby would.

*as soon as your baby begins eating solids, don't buy the cheap diapers anymore! I thought I made this great discovery buying Target brand diapers; they're literally 1/2 the price. as soon as Elliott starting eating real food, poop took on a whole new ... everything! it was coming out of ALL sides, which means using more wipes and doing more laundry. it's worth the price, just buy Huggies!

*swaddle your baby as long as possible. Elliott was a summer baby, so I got muslin swaddling blankets, actually my hubby surprised me with them one day. of course he had the best of intentions, but he got this ridiculously humongous size. when Elliott was born, I had to fold them in a strange way to make it work the right way. but since babies grow so fast, that strange folding didn't last very long. now that he's 6 months old, and I have these huge blankets, I can still swaddle him. he calms down instantly when I wrap him. "they say" you ought to train your baby to not be swaddled anymore. personally I don't see the big deal, my baby loves it.

*for whatever reason, I was able to see myself third person the other day. and I now know that I am one of those moms that uses the "airplane" at feeding time, with sound effects and everything. I speak in baby-talk regularly, and I practically scream YAY! when he eats a big bite. today after each bite he lifted up his arms with a big smile, so I of course joined him. that might be our new thing. now that I'm thinking about it, that might get old, raising my arms up and down after EVERY bite. anyway, my point is have fun no matter what you're doing. no he won't remember the specifics of babyhood, you might though, and it's a happy, positive foundation he can build upon.


alright super-moms, I want your advice too.