step 1: realizing you have a problem

there is a reason I have not picked up my camera in ages, but that storm cloud that consistently follows me around has taken away all my light.  and then that a-ha hits ... why in the world would I want to document this season of my life?  the IT, the problem, seems to be this certainty of the unexpected, of the stress, of that depressive cloud that I pretend is not there.  I don't have IT all together.

its so ugly.
with a dash of optimism, but little hope.
where my smile is forced because 2 little somebodies are watching.

I'm not in a total slump.  I do smile naturally still.  I have my kids; we have cozy beds & food in the fridge. there are of course many things to be thankful for, and I can name them all.

going through the motions of everyday life, when emotionally you want to cry every last tear and then scream as loud as you possibly can, it a difficult task most days.  do you know this feeling?

having these 2 littles are motivation enough.  they are worth it all, without a doubt.
intellectually I can tell you that that alone is enough to pick up the camera.  my ugliness should not/does not take away from them being the silly & cute kids they are and that I ought to taking pictures of that silliness & cuteness.  right?  right?!
but emotionally, its just plain difficult.  I carry my camera around with me, and usually come home realizing I still didn't take one.  and its a digital!  its not like its a waste of film anymore.

so, it just is what it is right now.  its a bummer, but somehow although I'm the only one to change it, I cannot.  its a strange place to be in.

meow

say you are cat-sitting for a friend who is out of town for 3 short days ... what would you say the absolute worst thing could happen is?


yep, that happened to me.  the cat is now dead.


this may be news to some BUT cats do not have 9 lives.
at least a 2 month old kitten doesn't.
so little.  and so cute.  and so innocent.  and was in the wrong place at the wrong mili-second.


I am ... [indirectly] ... a cat killer.


my 2 kids were with me, because they looooooooove animals.  they have met this kitten before, with me and the owner present, and have been taught how to handle it, take turns with it, etc.  if they didn't have that "practice time" with the adults present, they are definitely the type of kids to love it too much ... and kill it that way instead.


they were playing with the kitten and someone *cough my 3 year old Elliott, cough* knocked into a tall speaker.  this speaker was not actually attached to anything, which is why it toppled easily.  the poor kitten was playing too and was more worried about where the boys were than anything, and just didn't see the speaker coming down on him.  compared to that kitten, the speaker was about 100x the size and it just crushed him.  literally.


I will spare you the details ... but once he lost control of his bladder/bowels, I knew the end was near.  he was alive when we got to the ER clinic, but it took just 2 seconds of the vets time to know it was best to put him to sleep.  the speaker had crushed his head.


it was an accident.  a freak accident.
but still ...


the kids saw the whole thing (obviously) and they both cried themselves to sleep that night.  me too for that matter.


what a week.