where's my cave?

I grew up in the midwest. we moved once when I was a kid. once.

who knew getting married would move us everywhere it has. in the last ten years, I have moved at least 10 times. we've been all over CA, into NV, over to CO, and now in HI.

its been interesting.

I get a lot of compliments from people on our why-not? perspective on moving. its mostly "wow, I wish I could do that." I think to myself, "really? ... you can if you really want."

there are 2 sides, and I fight them both every time moving comes up. I have major internal conflict because I can't decided which "side" I'm officially on.

why not go?

- its usually only circumstances holding you back. in case you don't know, circumstances change.

- there are jobs everywhere. know that money is a means; it does not define you ... or I ought to say it shouldn't define you.

- there are churches everywhere ... meaning your relationship with God isn't confined to a specific 4 walls. plus, there are always opportunities to serve others no matter where you go.

- there are relationships/friendships to be made everywhere. people are people.

- experience something different. get some culture!

- and who doesn't want to travel?! why save it for later?

later may never come.

why not stay?

- staying put allows you to really invest in things, people, places, work, etc.

- familiarity is comfortable.

- usually, you're family is close by. a big plus when you have kids.

- stability. stability. stability. did I mention, stability?

I would LOVE this kind of stability.

my personality is definitely to stay put. yes the list is shorter, but to me, each one counts as 10.

for the most part, I had a good childhood. we moved once, and I always saw that as being a good thing. it took me a long time not to associate moving & change with being a bad thing.

different is always bad, its just different.

familiarity suits me as in introvert just fine. sometimes I just want to find my cave and stay awhile ... but do you think staying comfortable teaches you anything? why change if you don't have to? I tend to think nothing will be gained while everything stays the same.

most of the time I hate the process. but God designed it that way, with reason ... for what will be obvious, eventually. right? right?!

I also have to accept, this might just be MY process.

the boys already have very different lives than I had as a kid. I think its a good thing to learn how to change easily, and, how to remain flexible due to changing circumstances. turns out I'm the only introvert in this little family of mine, so I have a feeling I'm in for more change. 1/2 of me wants to cry, scream, and have my tantrum. the other 1/2 is kinda, sorta excited about it.

I'm trying not to worry about tomorrow (Matthew 6:25-34).

that's always been my biggest problem.

there's been talks of going out of the country at some point. not sure if that will happen, but then again, if you suggested to me living in Hawaii even just 2 years ago, I would've told you that you were completely crazy!! but look where I am ... I'm convinced if God didn't want us to be here, the door would have been tightly shut.

tell me, given the opportunity, would you travel the world with your kids?

hypocrites

I am a hypocrite. I've always hated hypocrites ... hate is such a strong word, but really, how can you trust someone who is?

my motto for life is "actions speak louder than words," which hypocrites cannot attain to. you've got to talk the talk AND walk the walk.

the definition states: a person who pretends to have virtues, moral or religious beliefs, principles, etc; that he or she does not actually posses.

since being in Hawaii, almost everything has changed. and it's not all bad, but I feel I have hypocrite written of my forehead.

the original plan was to go to the big island of Hawaii and get into sustainable farming. not necessarily to make money by it (but if we could, awesome!) but for ourselves. to be healthier. get out of "the system" a little bit more. to educate ourselves. pass this onto our kids. yes we could've had done it in Colorado, but for obvious reasons, Hawaii is more desirable. land on this island is still actually attainable (3 acres for $15,000 or so). you'd be surprised how much money you'd have if you sold everything!

and of course we knew at some point hubby would have to get a real job, and with checking craigslist (our answer to everything!) we knew something would work out.

well wouldn'tcha know it, we know someone that lives in Hawaii, Kuai actually. he has had a successful plumbing business for 20+ years and he could use some help. he used to live in SoCal, came to our wedding 10 years ago, and he and his family are christians (real ones). he offered to not just train Matt but also give him a company truck.

coincidence? I think not. in fact, we don't really believe in coincidences anymore, God is just too good. He has always worked out these kinds of details for us throughout our marriage, and this move to Hawaii appears to be no different.

the catch: he doesn't need help on the big island, he needs help on Maui. well, have you ever heard a bad thing about Maui? not me.

there is A LOT of money on Maui, which also makes the land waaaaaaay too expensive for us. try $50-$75,000/acre! not exactly in our budget. so the big decision, postpone this farming endeavor or go for it and find other work? what to do ... what would you do?

like I said, we knew a real job would have to come at some point, and most likely sooner than later. how often does one get a job opportunity like this - working for someone you know and trust, doing something that uses your God-given gift, training, tools, & truck? how do you say no to that? off to Maui.

Maui is a beautiful place!

a few weeks into being there Matt goes on a business trip to Oahu, to sit in on a presentation of a job already sold. basically to get his feet wet. we all come to realize that Oahu is really where we ought to be for this job. it could work in Maui, but it would take off on Oahu. time for another decision.

the farming thing is already postponed, so in that regard, how different can another island be? off to Oahu.

here's the job: this plumbing company has sole rights in the state of Hawaii to sell a product that cleans & re-coats the inside of piping, so demolition is eliminated completely. working with the inside of the pipes doesn't require any down time for business &/or the residents of the building, so its very convenient. the target for these jobs are the high rise buildings downtown, so these are BIG jobs.

Matt is doing sales and marketing for this product. for those of you who know him, you know he can sell ice to eskimos! :) God really have given him a gift; he really does love people and connects with them almost instantly. in theory, it all sounds perfect.

I feel like after we made the decision to move to Hawaii, I have had to fight for people to understand why we make the decisions we do, and I still do.

things happen, life changes, decisions have to be made.

but our actions are not what we said they were going to be ... hypocrites.

I feel like a hypocrite because our move here is not taking us a little bit more out of "the system," but really, putting us right in the middle of it. this job will make us money; chances are, lots of money. his work in downtown Honolulu. how much more in the system can you be?

it very easily looks like we've made these new decision for money, and in a way, we did. money is now essential to live in this world, but our intention from the beginning is still to get healthy, live simply, do homeschool, love life, and not have to look back and say 'what if?'

*sigh*

more to come ...

Hawaii tidbits

things I've learned this past month -

* do not shop at the local mom & pop shop on the corner. soooooo ridiculously expensive! so far, Costco is the best place; fairly close to what we were paying on the mainland. its probably about $1 more per item.

* a partly furnished place means it comes with a stove, fridge, and maybe a washer/dryer.

* a cottage is a free standing house and an ohana (Hawaiian for family) is an apartment attached to the main house. however an ohana isn't necessarily small, its just connected, so usually you'd be sharing a yard and parking.

* duplexes here are usually top and bottom, not side to side.

* not all, but MANY Hawaiians do not like white people, going back to how the US obtained HI in the first place. we are "howlies," a special name for white people like me, more like stupid white people. ha! basically the same as the spanish word "gringo." white people that don't know the language, the islands (geographically), and overall, just ignorant about the culture and history. I have just gotten "the looks," but last week, Matt was told he couldn't park in a particular spot because flat out, he's white.

* NEVER miss the opportunity to get a parking pass if you're in or around downtown. what a nightmare parking can be! also, if you don't know how to parallel park, like me, you will be forced to learn. it hasn't been fun.

* if you ever move out here, it is best to come with as little as possible. I'm now glad we couldn't afford a container to bring all our stuff; it would've been impossible.

* its too bad I don't like fish. you can fish for free here!

more to come, I'm sure.

simplicity

I hate it when my revelations are so simple, don't you? don't get me wrong, I am very thankful for it, but I sometimes feel like "why didn't I think of that?!"

humans are far from perfect, me specifically.

I just came back from a long walk. no music. no babies. just me and my thoughts.

so we're moving again (as you know) and I'm wondering why we have this pattern of moving. I don't think I have final clarity on that, but I did get it on part of it. the answer - people.

my husband is a people person, definitely an extrovert, and has finally accepted it as a gift with the intent to use it righteously. me on the other hand I am an introvert, which I realize is not bad, I just have a different approach to people. the boys so far are following their father's footsteps on that one, which I love to see.

I used to think that I wanted/needed to stop all this crazy moving and get settled, grow some roots, and get connected with people. I did get connected with mom's clubs and church groups, but when we had to move, I was disappointed and hurt that I had to [sort of] give up these relationships. you can only do so much over facebook. :) after this loss I didn't rejoin anything in the next town, and so when we moved again, I was glad I didn't have to go through that heartache all over again. I kind of saved myself from it.

I brought myself to a place where I saw people everywhere I went and they became sort of faceless. its easy to generalize people, and that's what I did. I saw them as a group, all the same, not needing, or necessarily wanting to get to know any of them. I thought, why bother?

but what I realized that know matter where we go there will be people (obviously!) and they all need/want a source of light. why do I forget that I am a source of light?!

we are a source, to someone, for something specific. no matter where we go, our light will not be dimmed. we need to see each person, for each person. we ought to see them the way God created them, as individuals; unique, gifted, and as His children, to be loved.

my idea of connecting with people is different than what God just taught me. I thought "connecting" was having life-long relationships, to know their hearts desire, to know their families, to talk about their perspective on God, etc. if/when a spiritual connection presents itself between two people, words and time are almost not necessary.

in my opinion, being a christian means to be thankful for each day, each second even. to appreciate what's been given to you (even the things not necessarily given to you) and take advantage of those situations God has you in. circumstances change, and I believe with good reason from above.

Matt and I have talked extensively about how and why this is happening for our children. always trying to keep the glass 1/2 full, we thought maybe this is conditioning them for mission work later on in life. Matt and I had always talked about getting involved with that, and maybe we still will later on, but I know that following generations take things a step further than the originals ever did. God only knows! it's just a thought.

it doesn't matter where we go, we can make a difference. it isn't necessary to stay in one spot to get connected to people. I think I just got a step closer to something.

cluttered

my brain is full and I'm emotionally drained. I guess it's just a part of my process.

I can't seem to blog about anything when stuff is going on ... this is my attempt to try. I tend to use this blog to update on things once my process is done, but in the meantime, I can't seem to put any words together the right way to make any sense ... if even that makes sense.

moving, yes.

MAJOR garage sale, yes, last weekend and this upcoming one.

lots of change, yes.

more change to come, yes.

kids are doing well with it so far. they are sleeping well, eating normally, and are healthy; don't think I can ask for more there.

I'm hanging in there, like I said, I'm full. and not even in a totally negative way. it's just a lot to fully take in.

Matt could care less ... and for the record, I mean this kind of change doesn't effect him like it does me, not that he doesn't care about me.

I guess this is just a post to say I'm alive and well. prayers appreciated. :)

off the mountain

on the move, yet again. this time, I'm ok with it.

I like this picture. it's kinda like us as we move our home to wherever we can carry it, only this time, we're selling everything and don't have even a shack full of stuff anymore.

it's kind of liberating. kind of scary too.

we are officially out of our mountain home. it sure is a beautiful place with a BEAUTIFUL view, but I will appreciate this mountain life more from the pictures on my calendar. it's nice, but not for us.

for now we are staying with friends, having Sam continue another month at school, as we have a garage sale every weekend to sell the remainder of our stuff. come May 1st, give or take a few days, we're going to Hawaii!!

for me/us, Hawaii is one of those things we'd always wonder "what if" if we didn't go. it's an adventure, and I wouldn't want to do it with anyone else other than my family. if I were still single, I'd probably still be struggling in CA to pay my bills, because honestly, I wouldn't know any different.
Hawaii will either be the best decision we've ever made, or the very worst one. either way, we will grow and change because of it.

sadly we will be losing the newest member of our family, Sarge. there is a loooooong story that goes along with that, so to make it short and sweet, he will be returning to his previous family.
our situation is changing somewhat unexpectedly to where it will be difficult to keep him, and "coincidentally," their situation has drastically changed unexpectedly and having Sarge back would help them; they have missed him terribly. Sam is happy to have the dog go back to his first family, knowing that they need him back. it could not have worked out better for everyone!

around the world

aloha! back from Hawaii ... and of course missing it. hubby and I had a fun trip; we opted to play the way we wanted, instead the way kids would want. we did mostly touristy stuff, but it was still fun. we are the type of people to visit somewhere and do what they do, more to learn the culture then to just do stuff we can do at home. we tried to not be the typical tourist anyway, but it's hard not to take lots of pictures when you've never been there before.

I highly recommend every couple take a trip without kids! it did feel like we were dating again, going to do whatever, whenever. it was great.

our youngest is close to 2 years, so he was good to hang with gramma for the week. actually they both did great; I don't think the boys missed us too much.

if you know my husband, you know he's always thinking. before we got on the plane to come home, he's thinking and researching the cost of living in Hawaii, what he would do for work, where we would live ... "hypothetically" of course. :)

but let me just say how funny life works out the way it does, or rather, how God sets you up. let me explain - as it is here in CO, this business is somewhat fizzling out. not a complete failure (as past endevors have been) there are still some options, but nothing concrete. of course we need money to live, so something has to work out, right? he's doing what he does because it's a job, not because he loves it and is making it his life. being the entrepenuer he is, he always has ideas and there is never one that stands out.

as it sits, we cannot stay where we are. it was a mistake. to me, a big mistake because I seriously hate to move. I don't take it lightly at all, and I lose sleep over it. you'd think the amount of times we've moved, that I would be used to it, or not mind it at all, but on the contrary. I hate it. I hate it more now that we have kids. I don't know what it's suppose to be like for them; I moved only once as a kid when I was 9. but on the other hand I know that as long as we're together, focused on what God has for us, then the rest doesn't matter.

Since we've been married -

we started out in Mission Viejo, CA where we met

moved to San Clemente, CA because it was cheaper

moved to Newport Beach, CA because it was closer to his work at the car dealership and closer to my school for interior design

moved to NorCal in Portola, CA for a ministry his parents were starting

ministry fell through and since we were attending college in Reno, NV, we moved there

being full time students, we moved again to be much closer to the university in Reno, NV

I became pregnant with Samuel and out of the blue, we were contacted from a long-lost family member on Matt's side. his mother was heir to a piece of property back in Oroville, CA. she has been dead for sometime, so Matt was the next heir to it. it was free, and with a new baby coming, we couldn't say no.

here is where we starting having major marital problems. he stayed in Oroville, CA and I moved to Chico, CA. then he moved to Chico and we got back together. didn't work, so I moved out again in Chico. then we got back together for good, and so I moved into his Chico place.

are you following me? I'm not done yet.

real estate market crashed, so no more work. an opportunity presented itself back in SoCal with a friend, so off we went to Corona, CA. by this time, I was pregnant with Elliott.

this opportunity also crashed and burned, so with no money we had to lean on his parents and that means off to Colorado Springs, CO. lived with them until we got set up, finally got our own place, work fell through again, so back to his parents basement. his parents moved back to NorCal themselves, so we had to find something. God made a way and we moved to this house in Divide, CO. and here we are now, having to do it again.

we have been talking and researching areas to go to be "off the grid." we (when I say we, I mean Matthew. me too, but it doesn't bother me near as much.) do not want to be governed as much as the world has to be today. so many rules & regulations. so many stupid covenants. everywhere you turn there is something, so we want out. ideally we'd like to be more self sustaining, which means living more off the land. living in a home we've built, possibly an earthship. not being dependent on the government for anything, using solar energy for our electricity, having a well for water, having animals & gardens for food. a modern farm, if you will.

we were originally thinking Montana or Wyoming, but after visiting Hawaii we realize how much easier it would be to do what we want there. going north will have harsh winters, which we're discovering we aren't in love with the cold, plus the growing season is SO much shorter. we are not skiers or snowboarders, so winter is a hibernation period for us. boredom hits quickly, not to mention, it's so easy to gain weight since we're not doing much.

Oahu is the #1 tourist spot, as well as, 80% of Hawaii's residents live there. so if just the remaining 20% is spread throughout the other islands, that is much more suitable for us. Oahu was just like SoCal, traffic and all. we have a friend living on Kauai; he tells us Kauai is more for farming, more isolated and rural. for us, the Big Island would probably be best. there are still plenty of jobs but also remote areas for farming. lots of research yet to do.

we are realizing that work is just work, it's a way to make money. we're still waiting on God to really show us what we are to do, not just with this move, but overall in this life. yes we are a walking ministry, but we both seem to know that a focus is yet to come, like help feed the homeless, get heavily involved with a church, or whatever. waiting on God, just waiting. :) easier said than done.

I'm convinced that we need some kind of confirmation before doing this. a word from God in some way, shape, or form. I don't to get stuck in "the grass is always greener" mentality. we have to have more of a reason to do this than just wanting to do this.

of course I love the idea living there. to go snorkeling everyday with the kids, swimming with the fish & sea turtles ... which by the way I saw one while we were there; sooooo cool! if I'm doing homeschooling, then who cares where we're at. what an experience for us all, right?!

long post, sorry, I had to get this off my chest. pics to come soon.

leave me a comment and tell me what you think.

what you REALLY think, because considering our track record, we appear a bit crazy. but I also know, that to the world believers are crazy, so I can't rely on that aspect so much.

I am a big believer that actions speak louder than words and for whatever reason, we are in a season of discovering where we want to be, but more importantly, trying to discover where God wants us. with all our moves, there was always a good reason. this time we need God's reason. please pray for us, we need some clarity on this one!!