step 1: realizing you have a problem

there is a reason I have not picked up my camera in ages, but that storm cloud that consistently follows me around has taken away all my light.  and then that a-ha hits ... why in the world would I want to document this season of my life?  the IT, the problem, seems to be this certainty of the unexpected, of the stress, of that depressive cloud that I pretend is not there.  I don't have IT all together.

its so ugly.
with a dash of optimism, but little hope.
where my smile is forced because 2 little somebodies are watching.

I'm not in a total slump.  I do smile naturally still.  I have my kids; we have cozy beds & food in the fridge. there are of course many things to be thankful for, and I can name them all.

going through the motions of everyday life, when emotionally you want to cry every last tear and then scream as loud as you possibly can, it a difficult task most days.  do you know this feeling?

having these 2 littles are motivation enough.  they are worth it all, without a doubt.
intellectually I can tell you that that alone is enough to pick up the camera.  my ugliness should not/does not take away from them being the silly & cute kids they are and that I ought to taking pictures of that silliness & cuteness.  right?  right?!
but emotionally, its just plain difficult.  I carry my camera around with me, and usually come home realizing I still didn't take one.  and its a digital!  its not like its a waste of film anymore.

so, it just is what it is right now.  its a bummer, but somehow although I'm the only one to change it, I cannot.  its a strange place to be in.

a curve-setting day

my day started out with someone telling me "you don't know what you're doing.  you're walking in darkness.  you're this.  you're that.  just wait and see what is going to happen."  as you can imagine, my day did not start out well.
after that lovely conversation, I was running late.  so I got everyone dressed and ready to go on our commute (right now its 1 1/2 hrs one way).  well what do you know, my oldest has to go to the bathroom 45 or so minutes into it.  so we stop.  for me, he's not quite old enough to just run in somewhere (he's 6 1/2yrs) so I unload us all for a 10 second pee.  grrrrrrrrrrr.  I come back to the car and guess what could make my morning better ... it doesn't start.  lovely.


yesterday - literally yesterday - the battery light came on.  once I started driving it for 10 or so minutes, it went off.  I let it go forgot.  today no warning, but apparently it still wasn't happy and decided not to tell me ... well, until it died of course.
so I approach a friendly "grandpa" type in a truck, batted my eyes for him, and ask for a jump.  luckily I had cables & the spot next to my car was open.  easy peasy, started right up.  ok, this day is starting to get better.


driving again, and about 5 mintues later the car dies.  as I'm driving it!  although I have only driven about 5 minutes from where I was, I was in the middle of no where.  that's just how NorCal is in some spots.  couldn't walk anywhere.  didn't have a wireless signal for my laptop.  had the boys with me.  scratch that whole thing about the day getting better.
as I was figuring out what to do, CalTrans shows up to cut some of the overhanging trees.  as you know, it takes like 5 CalTrans guys to stand around "supervising" while 1 works, so I had lots of guys available telling me what they thought the problem was.  luckily they had a phone that worked, knew the local towing company who was also a mechanic garage, and got me hooked up.


turned out to be the alternator.  boo.  expensive.


by total surprise my day did get better ... the mechanics that took care of me, really did take care of me.  looking back on the day, its good news to me that I was able to see the positive aspect of it all and be able to receive the blessing.  if you're in darkness, you can't do that ... just sayin'.
they looked at my car right away.  order the part to show up that day AND it actually did AND came in on time!  gave my kids lollipops.  gave us directions to the park & gave us cold water to take with us.  once the part came, they installed it and I was out the door in less than an hour.
If you live in the area, I give 2 HUGE thumbs up to the crew at Phil's Towing in Corning, CA.  Earl, you are my hero.


with the drama of this morning running throughout this day + the car issues + running after my kids = I am completely exhausted, and at the same time, grateful.
for a minute (ok, an hour) I thought "is this a sign of that darkness?"  but in the end, its been a blessing.  it was so great to work with a company (a mechanic shop no less) who is so good to their customers, all  without even knowing what else I've been walking through this season.  usually these stories don't have a happy ending.  but mine does.


I said lucky a few times, but in times such as these, there is no luck to it.  *thanks for sending angels to watch over me & my kids today*


ps.  how old is old enough to run in a pee somewhere?

food bank day

today I had a first ...
I went to the local food bank.


I kind of wanted to take a picture, but thought maybe it could have been offensive somehow.
it was a smaller one.  I'd say under 100 people there.  everyone had their box, bag, basket, wheelbarrow; anything to carry food home in.  it was kind of a sight to see.


you could tell the people there had been there many times before.  it was nothing new.  nothing to be ashamed of.
people saw friends, neighbors, and their other family members.  it was a kind of get together.


it was simply a way of life.




I felt funny.  a tad out of place.  I had never been before.
I never needed to go.


I always knew "the system" was there, for those who needed it.  I'm for it ... for those who NEED it.
I am also aware that there are people who take advantage of their no/low income status and get freebie after freebie after freebie.  in my opinion, its a bit discouraging.  I mean, why change anything if you get things handed to you over and over again?  and I have to say, its relatively clear that people here do just that.  sad.


Hawaii is so far, a VERY easy state to deal with.  after living in CA for so long, I now expect a thick packet of paperwork to fill out for every little thing, along with providing proof of everything.  In CA, even if you're standing in front of them, you still need proof of not just being human, but being alive too.   its beyond ridiculous!!


- here, you don't have to be here for a certain amount of time before you're a resident.  just go get a license, and when you do, there will be no line.  AND the people working there, will smile and mean it.
- when I registered Sam for homeschool, it was 1 piece of paper to fill out.  even the lady at the DOE said several times "Hawaii is a pretty hands-off state."
- at the food bank, I just gave them my ID and my current address, and that's it.


it must be all that sea air ...




the food I received is not ideal, as in, its not ever what I'd buy at the store.  I did get produce, but it is all on its way out.  the bread is all enriched white bread & rolls.  2 big bags of frozen french fries.  4 bags of frozen precooked pork patties ... there's always next week.


BUT if its this or nothing, this will do ... and I'll remind myself this is only temporary, but more importantly, I'll be thankful for it.

because they will ask ...

I try to teach my kids to know right from wrong. 
to know when to stop, or to keep going.
to know how to ask for help.
to never give up, and to try and try and try again.


a quote I heard recently -
"never look down at other people ... unless you are bending over to help them up"
I want to teach them that too.


I teach them if someone isn't treating you right, use your words.  if that doesn't work, get an adult.  and if that doesn't do anything, walk away and find something else to do.
everyone doesn't know the golden rule.  I wish they did.  if they did, I think it would solve a lot of problems.


its funny, what you try to teach your kids, its usually a good "refresher course" for the parent too.  I suppose God had that in mind when he created these kids.  perfect just for me.


of course as I'm re-learning some of these lessons, I have more questions.  questions I'm afraid my kids will ask, because 1. I know they will ask eventually, and 2. I'm afraid because I don't have the answers.  


certain things are so black and white, yes or no; so easy, uncomplicated ... I guess all that entails (the not-so-common) common sense.  other things are the exact opposite, but, I don't need to tell you that, do I?  allow me to quote your mother, and mine "no one said life was fair."


its one thing to know it in your head, but when you're living it out, all these "what if's" come into play, and its very, very different.  it seems there are so many rules that bend due to the circumstances.  everything doesn't have a final line in the sand ... and I think that is what is driving me crazy.  I guess I'm a person who likes boundaries and it kills me to be the one to make them.  but sometimes you have to, like with the things you teach your kids.


what would you do, if you couldn't be you?  if you weren't accepted as you are?  if everything you said, thought, and felt was debated, questioned or attacked?  as I teach my kids, if all else fails, walk away ... because there is only so much you can do with that.


but do I, as an adult, also walk away?  or do I take it, because the rules say I have to?  or are rules and boundaries made as a guide?  kind of like the ropes in the water that say 'its safe to swim here, but not over there' when really, its the exact same.  
which is the better example for my kids?  I never want to live a lie.  I am not a fan of "fake it till you make it," to me, its based on a lie, but to me "practice what you preach" is very true.


too many euphemisms?
they're kind of like stereotypes; no one likes them or wants to be stereotyped one way or another, but there is truth to them since they're based on the majority.  right?


now in my opinion, the important part is to not hold resentment.  don't get bitter.  don't hold onto the offense and let it root in you.  I can't help but think of "don't hate the player, hate the game" ... can't believe I just said that, but hey, its true.  to me its just like what Jesus said " father forgive them, for they know not what they do."


certain things in life don't work on a clock.
issues come when they need to.
holiday or no holiday, its when God says "NOW."

3 of 30

I am thankful for breakthrough.

not necessarily just mine but all that encompasses it, for all who experience it.

it has such a positive snowball effect.

- the feelings of accomplishment & confidence

- the comfort & peace that comes when one hears from God. nothing substitutes for this.

- a glass-1/2-full-perspective

- and usually, how simple it is

... this last one is love/hate for me.

we all NEED breakthrough.

here's a good quote: "if you're going through hell, keep going"

this can apply to so much.

my translation: hell is temporary and the only way to get out of it is to keep going.

there is always a light, a breakthrough, but its up to you to find it.

you have to want it.

and that other saying,

"its better to love and lost than never to have loved at all."

I think this one is true too.

yes there is so much bad out there, but how else will we know the difference?

how else can we learn from our mistakes?

God hits you at the core for a reason, its to get your attention.

its a bittersweet process.

so often the bad will lead to the good.

because life, as a whole, really is a beautiful thing.

what are you thankful for? blog about it like the rest of us!

a clue

usually people struggle financially with school ... of course most of us do the college thing after the high school thing. not me of course. I went to high school, got married, then went to school, but then didn't finish because then I had babies ... sigh. I understand the method it's "suppose to be," ... but I believe in His plan, so I guess that doesn't matter, does it?

whenever it begins to matter in a young girls life, that's when I began struggling with what I am suppose to do. what do I want to be when I grow up? and since becoming a christian, the question becomes, what is my calling?

since I became a mommy before having to pick a career, I simply didn't have to and assumed that being a mommy was my calling. problem solved ... sort of.

since becoming a wife/mother, I've known that "my place" isn't always going to be in the home. when we had kids, we both agreed we didn't want a daycare to raise our kids. luckily, we've always had that option, and for that I am thankful. Sam is almost 6 ... so it's been 6 years now that I've been at home. coming from a life of working 2 jobs (at one time 3), and actually enjoying it, 6 years of not working at all outside the home has been, at times, difficult.

as I was working on my Avon stuff, I had a thought the other day about going back to school to become a licensed esthetician. now I honestly think the beauty industry is so full of deception, however, there is a side that is genuine, and that is the part that intrigues me. I like how a hair style and makeup is a way to express yourself, how clear skin boosts your self confidence, and the feeling your whole body can get from a single massage.

the school I want to attend is downtown and only take 7 months, but that's an hour drive each way and they require full time hours ... neither I can do right now. it was a big bummer. I don't think a door has ever closed so fast on me before.

ok God, I hear you.

and the waiting game continues ...

jinx

like I said, change is ineveitable. for me, it's one of those bittersweet things.

originally we moved to Divide to get out of suburbia; it was a compromise before we got REALLY out, or "off the grid" as Matthew likes to call it. we both wanted out so bad. there is something about the cookie-cutter maze which makes up suburbia, that just really gets under our skin. back in September we were down to 2 places; 1 being in the historical downtown area & also close to Samuel's school, but then there was this other house (the one we're in now) that offered a bit more space than we needed, but really spectacular and literally in the forest. since the cost was the same, we opted for beauty than convenience. it's so gorgeous here, but I think we're discovering that we made a mistake.

this house is in an HOA ... which basically means you are not free to do whatever. granted we're not going to have our front yard filled with cars that don't run, but they seriously have some crazy rules. for instance, you cannot collect storm water (like to water your plants or whatever), you cannot have chickens (most people wouldn't care, but I could've had up to 10 in the in city. you'd think in the mountains it would be more flexible!), you cannot water your landscape, which also means you can't have gardens (which would be difficult anyway due to all the deer, but that's not the point) ... and that's all I can think of right now.

the other downer to living here is the distance from what our priorities are becoming. we knew Samuel's school was 40 minutes away, that's not really the problem. our fellowship with other believers have increased; before we just didn't know people to really connect with. we are more or less done with superficial, surface-y relationships, and honestly, we as a couple (ok it's really my husband!) is a difficult person to take. you either love him or hate him ... and I mean that in the best way possible. by not having friends, makes it real easy to think of just ourselves, but since we do, we have a need to be near these people. we are entering a season of serving, and not just because there is a conviction, it's a whole new level for us.

While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak with him. Someone told him, "your mother and brother are standing outside, wanting to speak to you." he replied to him, "who is my mother, and who are my brothers?" pointing to his disciples, he said "here are my mother and my brothers. for whoever does the will of my Father in heaven is my brother and sister and mother." Matthew 12:46-50

so basically, the grass was greener on the other side. I think most things would've appeared greener, considering we were living in his parents' basement!

I forsee another move in our future ... but we all knew that was coming, didn't we?

Avon Outreach

I just attended an introduction meeting for Avon's Breast Cancer Walk, happening June 2010. I've done The Relay for Life for the American Cancer Society a couple of times; once as an individual walker, then the following year as team captain for the local mom's club in was involved with. it was very satisfying for me, and since then, my heart aches to help in any way I can.

Avon's walk is set up much differently than the ACS Relay. for one, this is a 39 mile trek in the Rocky Mountain region; 26 miles on Saturday then the remaining 13 on Sunday. I have NEVER walked anything close to this, ever. I think th

e longest continuous walk I've done is 5 or so miles.

they also have every registered walker commit to raising $1800. they don't really care if you come individually or create a team, anyone can join.

it's a fundraiser, but also much more. attending the walk itself will not raise any more money, but it is to come together for the cause, to see survivors & co-survivors, to see exactly where your fundraising

efforts are going to, to hear stories & testimonies, to encourage hope & offer support. I'm sure to be in the presence of women who have to fight this fight, or help others fight, will be inspiring.

I was telling Matt all about it and he will support me, but he honestly doesn't see the point of the walk itself. he's always been pessimistic about the medical industry, believing it's one big conspiracy and everyone is just in it for the money. but more so, he also believes God giveth, and He taketh away.

for me, the conspiracy part is partially true. just the evils of the industry, the world. but I too believe God gives and rightly takes away, but I also believe that God works through other people (like the doctors & nurses) and also using foundations such as Avon and ACS.

one of my favorite passages. you should read it.

2 Corinthians 1:3-7

being a registered walker, they will be assigning me someone to work with me to make sure I get to $1800, as well as, work with me on training. because I WILL need to train. 39 miles in 2 days?! oh my goodness, I'm in for a butt-whoopin'! but hopefully starting now (6 months away) I can do it. I honestly haven't been to the gym since I was pregnant with Elliott, so it's definitely time to get off my butt and get physical again. so yay for getting skinny! another plus to starting now, I will lose some weight before Hawaii!

I have a GPS in my car, and as I was driving home the other day I noticed how far away the next town is, it's about 15 miles. so I guess some days I'll have Matt drop me off and I'll just walk home. seems crazy, but that's only 1/2 of the first day!

as far as the $1800 goes, I'm planning on using my Avon business to help promote it. so with that, along with my friends and family, I'm hoping to exceed my goal. I should be getting a website set up for it soon, and when I do, I'll be sure to post it. every $1 helps!

so in the future, I'll be blogging about this journey. it doesn't exactly compare to having cancer, but it's the least I can do to help.

have you participated in Avon's Breast Cancer Walk before? tell me about it.

unbottled

I know something isn't right spiritually when everything on the outside is perfect, but somehow I'm still unhappy. it's easy to think "if I had this" or "if this would just happen," life would be great. if it were only that easy, right?!

I have a great, beautiful home

a family, happy & healthy

food in the fridge

money in the bank

a God who loves me & is always there

I stay home with my kids

and on and on and on I could go.

during the season I was involved with church, I was pushed spiritually in a way I never had been before. although this church is no more, it was a major tool God used to get through to me.

in that time I was upset a lot because I was made uncomfortable; pushed to go to an unexpected place. a place I didn't know existed until I got there. I now miss it.

currently I am not in a church, and get upset a lot because stuff gets bottled up. no one pushes me; I'm stagnant. blah.

both may be an uncomfortable place, but at least in one of them, change happens. and I know God wants us flexible to change; willing and knowing we're able. I'm realizing I need self-discipline for sure, but also, how important accountability is for my progress.

in my hearts of hearts, I believe in His power. my faith lacks in His willingness. His mercy and grace constantly amazes me, but that's different than bringing change to me, to you, or to the world. the world is in a place where all He can do is bring revelation to believers, with ears to hear and a passion in their hearts.

there is a root of something in me, nagging at me. God get me uncomfortable. give me a revelation, because I'm ready to rip it out.

I was listening to an older CD of mine - Michelle Branch. I don't know where she is now, but 5 or so years back I discovered her music and many of her christian lyrics stick with me day to day. here's one -

and when I catch my breath, it's You I see

You're everything I know, that makes me believe

I'm not alone

life gets crazy. busy. how do you keep the world out? is that even possible? I get caught up in it and eventually feel it. I think the goal is to feel it sooner, always sooner. when I feel it and catch my breath (spiritually), then it's You I see.

your thoughts on my thoughts? leave a comment.

21 days

I've heard it said that it takes 21 days, or 3 weeks, to create a habit. and yes, there are some habits you WANT to create, all are not bad.

some I've tried in the past, and am trying again -

drinking more water - this has always been so difficult for me. I have a hard time drinking when I'm not thirsty. and especially now, I'm living at 6,000+ feet elevation, about to move to 9,200 feet, so I need even more than before. do you know how much you are suppose to drink? find out here. it's usually much more than you think!

taking care of my teeth - I got the bad teeth in my family. I had no cavities my whole childhood, then at 17 I had a few at once. it's been downhill ever since. I've had braces due to TMJ, oral surgery a couple times, too many cavities, no root canals or anything (which I've heard are sooooo painful!) but enough to make me dislike going to the dentist, ever.

watching what I eat - I've NEVER been good at counting calories, and my nutrition knowledge is limited ... but I'm learning. mostly, my common sense leads me on this one. that said, I still have a big weakness for sweets. sometimes it's multiple times a day that I give in. bad. bad. bad. it has to stop. yes I'm overweight for my height (really, who matches the doctors stats on that one?!) but not overweight enough to look like I REALLY need help. have you seen that commercial where the beautiful lady gets out of a limo for the red carpet, and then faints? it's for diabetes; beautiful on the outside, but on the inside she was messed up. I've been getting that image more and more lately.

becoming a morning person so I can have time with God - I have been getting up when the kids get up. when that happens, I get so swept up in what the boys are doing and getting them ready, that by the end of the day, I realize I've missed having ANY time with God at all. I feel withdrawn, thus my current conviction of self-discipline.

this a-ha came to me while in CA. I saw a mini-van that had the fruits of the spirit (Gal 5:22-23) printed on the back windshield in different fonts. Self-discipline stood out the most to me, partly because of the font it was in, but mostly because I struggle with it and God wanted me to see it. I saw that van a few times, and if you've ever been in SoCal, you know it's almost difficult to run into anyone twice there.

21 days ... maybe. this time I have conviction, which is stronger than my own willpower any day.

my verse for the day (week, month, year) is Proverbs 14:10

each heart knows its own bitterness

and no one else can share its joy