the time is now

today Elliott is done nursing, well he didn't have a choice, today I am done nursing.  another bittersweet day for me.

on the one hand, I'm very happy to have my body be my own again.  no more nursing bras, nursing pads, soreness, or bite marks.  no more awkwardness feeding in public or taking time out of any social get-togethers to deal with it, no more interruptions.

the other day I made 2 pb&j sandwiches, one for Sam, one for Elliott.  I thought that was awesome!

the other hand of course, it leaves me a little sad.  Elliott is my last baby (out of my body anyway!) so my nursing days are officially over.  yes I know there are other ways of bonding with your kids, but breastfeeding is as close as you can get with your baby. there is a level of intimacy, and vulnerability on both sides, and when you do anything that makes you feel that way with someone else, it strengthens that relationship so much.

it feels good to have used my breasts for what God intended.  that may sound silly, but I'm serious.  the world portrays breasts only in sexual ways; no, breasts have an actual purpose!  it sort of feels like I've completed a mission God wants all mothers to accomplish ... if that makes any sense. 

I had him stay up a bit later than usual. normally he's eating and in his crib by 830-845, but tonight I waited until then to feed him that "2nd dinner."  I don't remember how or what I did for Sam, so I was guessing on what to do.

I made him some rice cereal with whole milk and bananas.  we finished around 9 and I tried to hold him a bit but he wouldn't have it, so in his crib he went.  he started crying, but it lasted less than 1/2 hour which totally surprised me.  I was expecting something similar to the night when we "taught him" to sleep through the night; he fought it for at least 1 hour, screaming.  I think it helped that we started later, so he was already tired.  bedtimes we can fix much easier than bedtime nursing, so I'm not too worried about what time he goes to bed.

if anything, I'll get to sleep in a bit tomorrow!

Now a family of 4!

Elliott James is here!

born 05/28 at 7:50am
7 lbs. 8oz
19 1/2" long

pictures to come soon

last ultrasound

I cannot believe I'll have 2 boys in about a week's time, talk about a new season!  considering all I've been through in this life already, it still amazes me that God believes I can do THIS.

after becoming a parent, I now know that there really is no greater "job" out there.  nothing can be this statisfying ... and other times I would say, nothing can be this frustrating either.  you may not believe me until it's your turn.  in fact, it's one of those things that you can get advice on  from everyone and TRY to get prepared for, but until you do it yourself, you just can't have any idea ... but all in a good way!

I got an ultrasound done on Friday to double check Elliot's size and my fluid levels; everything is perfect.  the plan remains - May 28th, 7am.  he will be closer to 39 weeks, hopefully he won't want to come out any earlier like his big brother.

my OB asked if I wanted her to check my cervix to see if my body is beginning "something" but I told her I didn't want to know a thing!  if it was anything other than normal, it would make me totally paranoid about going into early labor.  I will keep faith for May 28th!

there are just a couple of things I still need to buy before his debute, nothing too major though.  I'm to the "I"m done being pregnant" stage and am sore, uncomfortable, not sleeping well, and totally swollen, but I am completely thankful, blessed, excited, and anxious (in a good way) to hold this little guy in my arms.  those baby burritos are always so darn cute, I can't wait.  

catch up blog

so instead of maternity shots, I got more of a family session done.  I haven't seen any of them, except for this one of me and Sam.  I hope they turned out ok.  it felt so funny to pose but not really pose, for the camera.  it wasn't "tilt your head this way and don't move" it was more like "ok, let's have a kiss or do this" but just knowing someone was watching me through the camera made me feel like I was to perform or something.  geez, I would absolutely HATE  to be a celebrity.  she did take some belly shots, not too many though.  I'll post more when I get 'em ... Roya?

I took a breastfeeding class last night at the hospital I will deliver at.  I thought since it's been a few years, that I could use a refresher on the tricks of it all.  I was sort of surprised to learn as much as I did; they are teaching it differently now.  in Reno I was taught to feed every 2-3 hours in the beginning no matter what; I got so mad at the nurses for waking me up in the middle of the night to feed Samuel when we were both sound asleep.  here they "require" the 8-12 times per day, but it is ok to cluster feed if that's what baby wants do.  also, the first 2 weeks of life is very important; no binkies, no bottles, no nothing during those first 2 weeks, just breast.  it's vital to get a solid foundation and the perfect latch before babies mouth gets used to anything else. once that's done, they encourage to use all the different nursing positions so no matter what the circumstance may be, baby will be able to eat.  makes sense.  breastfeeding is one of those things that is definitely easier said than done ... I'll just leave it at that, but after I say this ... I am completely convinced that there is nothing better for your baby, and all the frustrations of it is sooooo worth it in the end.  ok, I'm done.

I got to see the delivery rooms too.  all the ones I saw had an ocean view; I'm looking forward to that part.  chances are I'll catch the sunrise AND the sunset for at least a couple days.  nice, huh?

I bought some really small diapers yesterday.  it's really real, and it's really happening ... 2 weeks from today.  somehow walking around with a growing belly is not proof enough for me, it's buying all this baby stuff and setting up 'baby stations' throughout my house that is making it real.

I have 1 more OB appt on Friday at 3pm.  she wants to take 1 more ultrasound for measurements; to make sure that 2 weeks early is not too too early.  I have a feeling everything will be just perfect.

I've been talking to people who have been in my shoes and they tell me "it's only natural to be nervous.  in fact if you weren't nervous, something would be wrong with you."  at first I totally agreed; all the statistics and special circumstances allow me, or justify me to be nervous ... scared is the real word.  but it hit me a couple days ago, being someone who believes in God, fear cannot have a place in this.  so what about statistics, so what about the special circumstances, God has a plan regardless.  if this is my time to die, so be it, it's already planned.  if this is an experience to learn and grow from, so be it, it's already planned.  if this somehow allows God to shine, by all means, use me ... because it's already planned.  I just need to fully trust Him like I say I do, like the He wants me to, and like the bible tells me to.  I must find peace in that, if I don't, I have missed the point entirely.

the business of being born

so I just watched 'The Business of Being Born' and I must say it hit a nerve. looking back on how Samuel was born, I feel sort of robbed.  I like how 1 midwife said it, and I'll paraphrase, "we spend more time researching what kind of electronics we want or what kind of car we'd like to drive.  what about researching the best way to bring a life into this world?!"

as a first time mom, I didn't research much.  I took the parenting and breastfeeding classes the hospital offered, thinking that's what I needed to become prepared; but then I just left it at that.  I assumed that the hospital was the safest place to be to have my baby, no matter which way he had to come out.  the doctors and nurses have done this millions of times before, and at the time, that fact was comforting.  what this video explains is BECAUSE the doctors and nurses have done this a million times before, it's all become such routine.  it's become a series of hoops to jump through, and if you fail, it's an automatic c-section ... basically.

with Samuel's birth, I started out on pitocin.  when the contractions got bad, I opted for IV drugs; skipping the epidural I wouldn't go numb and I would be able to know when to push ... or so that was the plan.  the drugs made me pretty loopy, but from what I remember, they told me his heartrate dropped too much too fast and I needed to have an emergency c-section.

in this video, they explained the standard cycle of medication the hospital will use for any/all labors.  and it really is a vicious cycle; even though mom is put at ease with drugs, baby still feels contractions and, more often than not, becomes stressed and loses oxygen altogether ... which will lower the heartrate and bring on more c-sections, and when the doctors tells you this, it brings more panic to mom.

after seeing that explained, that's why I feel sort of robbed.  it just fits what happened to me and Samuel; they could have very easily been the ones to actually cause the lowered heartrate and the need for surgery.  I made it to 8cm; my body was doing what it was suppose to ... but I felt I was at their mercy.  I would've felt like a bad mother if I didn't listen to their advice, because afterall, I just wanted a healthy baby.  it's one of those things; if only I had I known then what I know now.

labor and delivery is suppose to be the MOST beautiful part of pregnancy.  our bodies are made to do this!  it's too bad there is so much fear built up around it.  I would highly recommend this video to any/all first time mommies.

as much as I'd like to, there is nothing I can do about my upcoming surgery.  the majority of doctors don't do VBAC's.  I have decided to get my tubes tied, so for that reason, it works out nicely.  but I am in awe of women who get to fully experience the birth of their babies, the way it's intended to be.  it's a battle wound to be proud of; never forget the pain of it all, but also the amazing miracle it is.

I do believe in what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ... God doesn't give you things you cannot handle.  my hubby tells me a lot "you're A LOT stronger than you think" and he's right.  it's one of those things that is easier said than done, I know. keep me in your prayers; I'm a bit freaked about this surgery.  less than 3 weeks to go!

26 days to what?!

so it's officially official

my OB is ok with moving my c-section date back a few days more to May 28th so we can get into the hospital I wanted.  it's 2 weeks early of my due date, but I feel totally at peace about it.  Sam was naturally 2 weeks early, and from what I understand, you typically have babies the same way or close to it.  after today's appointment, I now feel a bit more settled; knowing his birth date and that I can get my tubes tied at the same time.

I was playing with the camera the other day.  here's the most recent picture of me and baby ... which by the way I think we're going with Elliot James, and we'll probably call him Eli.  if you saw this belly from the front, you'd see I have no sort of belly button left.  it's kinda funny how much it stretched to flatten out completely and it's no longer an "inn-ie" at all!  here, I'm 35 weeks along.

what's in a name?

Sam and I are driving home from the library today and baby starts really moving around and going crazy in my belly.

Me - "Eli, what are you doing in there?"

Sam - "my name isn't Eli!"

Me - "I know that!  I think that is going to be your brother's name."

Sam - "no way, his name is going to be Jackson"

this is an ongoing debate around my house.  hubby and Sam have wanted to name this boy Jackson from the start, and neither of them will give it up!  hubby is "giving" me the reigns on naming this boy, and it's a very difficult decision.  names are forever, usually.

I do like the name Jackson, but I just can't have a Samuel and a Jackson ... ya know, like the actor?  we are big movie buffs so we can recite many of his lines from some of his movies, mostly Pulp Fiction and Die Hard.  it may be silly, I know he's just a guy, but I can't seem to kill that association.  although a friend pointed out to me that Sam Elliot is an actor too ... but he's got a much different reputation and style of acting than Samuel Jackson so it doesn't bother me so much.  is that strange?  for those that may not know him, he's the big-mustache guy in Tombstone, the narrator & cowboy at the bar in The Big Lebowski. there are many other movies, I just can't think of any more right now.

the only "requirement" hubby has (and I tend to agree with him) is to have a name that can have a nickname or a shortened version available.  for Jackson, you could call him Jack or as Sam says, Jacks.  I love the name Eli, but am not a fan of Elijah at all.  the other name that the million/billion baby name book gives is Elliot, which I like but of course hubby doesn't.  I also like Julian and Marshall, but neither of those names have a shortened version ... but I'm sure we could make one up.  we call Sam monkey all the time; he's always been such a climber and of course he's just silly!  oh yeah, he loves bananas too.

Meaning is important to me too.

Samuel: asked of God

Eli: uplifted

Marshall: caretaker of the horses - we know/have nothing to do with horses, so this one is probably out of the running.

Julian: youthful

and then there is the middle name ...

maybe I'll just have to wait to see his precious face before I decide.

1 month to go, whoo-hoo!!

from 1 to 2

here is me today at 33 weeks.

getting big ... and my boobs too - oh goodness!

I am excited, anxious, and happy, yet overwhelmed, a bit freaked out, and insecure. the transition from 1 to 2 children is a big deal ... of course that could be all in my head.  I tend to do that sometimes. hhhmmmmm ....

I know some women are concerned with loving each child the same; that I know I can do.  what I'm more worried about is the possible regression Sam may struggle with, having enough time to bond with each child on "their level," and just knowing the next stage of multi-tasking I'll have to master.

I know that I'm am more than lucky - blessed is the better word to use - that I get to stay home with my kids.  I don't have to work.  my hubby doesn't want me to work.  it's difficult to try and explain to anyone that does have to work, the down-side of this job, being mom.  like anything else, the grass is always greener people!!

I am just here to vent ...

I think it's truly an honor to be pregnant.  there are times when I don't feel like God is using me; it's probably more like He is and I just don't know it, but now it's more than obvious!  I get to help bring life into this world.  I know not everyone can say that; some won't and some just simply can't.  but me, I can.  wow.  when I start to feel all freaked out, this is what I think about ... or try to.

may God bless every mommy out there in blog-land with a revelation on how special you truly are!!

is there a #3 in my future?

today's doctor appointment gave me good news and sort of bad news ...

everyone wants the bad first, right?

hubby and I have decided that since I'm having a scheduled c-section, a tubal ligation would be easy - I'm already being cut open and we are sure we don't want to get pregnant again.  before Sam was born we talked about adoption and/or foster care, so if/when we would like to have more, we'll do that.

the hospital my OB normally works with is a catholic hospital, which will do the c-section but will not perform the tubal.  ok plan B - turns out the next hospital on the list will be shutting down their labor and delivery department all together and recently set the date of May 31st as their last day.  baby is scheduled for 06/02 so I'm thinking "well, what's a couple days earlier?"  having a c-section you are in the hospital for a minimum of 3 days, so that means baby would have to come out on 05/27 or 05/28, and that is too early.  my OB will not take baby out too early just so I can get a tubal done - I wasn't asking her to, but it makes me glad I have a doctor with some morals!  she also tells me the executives will be sitting down again to discuss the date, possibly to change it.  if they push it back all will go as planned - 06/02 at 3pm baby boy will arrive.  if the date does not change ... plan c?  my next appointment is in 2 weeks, hopefully we'll know more then.

maybe God has baby #3 in mind?  only time will tell - if so, He hasn't told me yet!

the other sort of bad news is that circumcision may not be covered under my insurance.  my OB was pretty sure they will see it as cosmetic, and not medically necessary.  tying my tubes is not medically necessary or cosmetic, but that's covered!  papa and big brother are done, so I wouldn't want this one to feel like the odd man out.  the boys should have matching goods ... right?

my poor swollen feet!

pretty in pink though; I got a pedicure over the weekend. :)

the good news -

baby boy is kicking up a storm in there and his heartbeat is strong and healthy!  I'm getting so

 excited to meet him.  we're getting sooooo close now!

we still have time, but not having a name is starting to drive me crazy.  we can't seem to agree this time.  so far the possibilities are: 

Elliot James, we'd call him Eli 

Marshall

Julian

I pulled out that huge million/billion baby name book and am starting at A again! wish me luck!