step 1: realizing you have a problem

there is a reason I have not picked up my camera in ages, but that storm cloud that consistently follows me around has taken away all my light.  and then that a-ha hits ... why in the world would I want to document this season of my life?  the IT, the problem, seems to be this certainty of the unexpected, of the stress, of that depressive cloud that I pretend is not there.  I don't have IT all together.

its so ugly.
with a dash of optimism, but little hope.
where my smile is forced because 2 little somebodies are watching.

I'm not in a total slump.  I do smile naturally still.  I have my kids; we have cozy beds & food in the fridge. there are of course many things to be thankful for, and I can name them all.

going through the motions of everyday life, when emotionally you want to cry every last tear and then scream as loud as you possibly can, it a difficult task most days.  do you know this feeling?

having these 2 littles are motivation enough.  they are worth it all, without a doubt.
intellectually I can tell you that that alone is enough to pick up the camera.  my ugliness should not/does not take away from them being the silly & cute kids they are and that I ought to taking pictures of that silliness & cuteness.  right?  right?!
but emotionally, its just plain difficult.  I carry my camera around with me, and usually come home realizing I still didn't take one.  and its a digital!  its not like its a waste of film anymore.

so, it just is what it is right now.  its a bummer, but somehow although I'm the only one to change it, I cannot.  its a strange place to be in.

meow

say you are cat-sitting for a friend who is out of town for 3 short days ... what would you say the absolute worst thing could happen is?


yep, that happened to me.  the cat is now dead.


this may be news to some BUT cats do not have 9 lives.
at least a 2 month old kitten doesn't.
so little.  and so cute.  and so innocent.  and was in the wrong place at the wrong mili-second.


I am ... [indirectly] ... a cat killer.


my 2 kids were with me, because they looooooooove animals.  they have met this kitten before, with me and the owner present, and have been taught how to handle it, take turns with it, etc.  if they didn't have that "practice time" with the adults present, they are definitely the type of kids to love it too much ... and kill it that way instead.


they were playing with the kitten and someone *cough my 3 year old Elliott, cough* knocked into a tall speaker.  this speaker was not actually attached to anything, which is why it toppled easily.  the poor kitten was playing too and was more worried about where the boys were than anything, and just didn't see the speaker coming down on him.  compared to that kitten, the speaker was about 100x the size and it just crushed him.  literally.


I will spare you the details ... but once he lost control of his bladder/bowels, I knew the end was near.  he was alive when we got to the ER clinic, but it took just 2 seconds of the vets time to know it was best to put him to sleep.  the speaker had crushed his head.


it was an accident.  a freak accident.
but still ...


the kids saw the whole thing (obviously) and they both cried themselves to sleep that night.  me too for that matter.


what a week.

a wish come true ... sort of

have you read this book?

I bought this book for 10cents at my local thrift store.  I do try to get these kids to the library because they love getting new stories and pictures in their brains, but I do think its important to have a home library too ... I'm not saying Annie the Apple Farmer will complete your collection, but you know what I'm sayin'.

there are sooooo many cute kids books out there.  there are some really talented people that know how to communicate with kids about any subject and also, create illustrations to stir the imagination.


this girl Annie gets so many apples from her orchard!  she bakes and bakes and bakes; pies, muffins, cookies, applesauce, and then takes all her goodies to the farmer's market.

ok, so you will probably get nothing from this book, but for whatever reason, I love it.  the first time I read it, I said to myself, "self, wouldn't it be great to be an apple farmer?"  and suddenly I wanted to be an apple farmer.

here's what I imagined ...
apple season is in the fall, my favorite time of year.
the beauty of an orchard and being outside in it, plus Annie has a house there too.
I love to bake sweet things.
I love to eat apples.
but the best part -
to have your own business that includes all these things you love.

you think she's sick of apples?
too many apples is a bad thing, I understand.

my point is this coincidence ...

this last week we bought apples from Costco.  they're big, juicy, and my kids love them.
this week we visited a food bank and received lots more apples, but these, were the last of the bunch and are all bruised and not ideal for snacking on ... and then the light bulb hit ... but they will be great to bake with!

and so I found myself with more apples than I knew what to do with.  in a strange way, I found my secret wish of being an apple farmer coming true ... no, I don't have the orchard, or the house, or even fall ... but I have my own business (cooking for my family), lots of apples, and a love for baking.

I love this recipe site, and so far I've bookmarked this, this, that, and this.  I have used apples in a pork dish before, and it is yummy, but I don't have any granny smith's, I have all galas's ... I think.  what else should I do with these apples?

I'm usually the one to read to my kids ... sometimes we'll read throughout the day, but we always, always, always, read books before bed.  I'm glad that Elliott is now old enough (2 1/2) to sit and pay attention, and Samuel is now 6, so sometimes, he'll read to me.  I know they both love this tradition, and I do too.  don't just read the book to your kids, let it inspire you too.  thanks Annie! :)

because they will ask ...

I try to teach my kids to know right from wrong. 
to know when to stop, or to keep going.
to know how to ask for help.
to never give up, and to try and try and try again.


a quote I heard recently -
"never look down at other people ... unless you are bending over to help them up"
I want to teach them that too.


I teach them if someone isn't treating you right, use your words.  if that doesn't work, get an adult.  and if that doesn't do anything, walk away and find something else to do.
everyone doesn't know the golden rule.  I wish they did.  if they did, I think it would solve a lot of problems.


its funny, what you try to teach your kids, its usually a good "refresher course" for the parent too.  I suppose God had that in mind when he created these kids.  perfect just for me.


of course as I'm re-learning some of these lessons, I have more questions.  questions I'm afraid my kids will ask, because 1. I know they will ask eventually, and 2. I'm afraid because I don't have the answers.  


certain things are so black and white, yes or no; so easy, uncomplicated ... I guess all that entails (the not-so-common) common sense.  other things are the exact opposite, but, I don't need to tell you that, do I?  allow me to quote your mother, and mine "no one said life was fair."


its one thing to know it in your head, but when you're living it out, all these "what if's" come into play, and its very, very different.  it seems there are so many rules that bend due to the circumstances.  everything doesn't have a final line in the sand ... and I think that is what is driving me crazy.  I guess I'm a person who likes boundaries and it kills me to be the one to make them.  but sometimes you have to, like with the things you teach your kids.


what would you do, if you couldn't be you?  if you weren't accepted as you are?  if everything you said, thought, and felt was debated, questioned or attacked?  as I teach my kids, if all else fails, walk away ... because there is only so much you can do with that.


but do I, as an adult, also walk away?  or do I take it, because the rules say I have to?  or are rules and boundaries made as a guide?  kind of like the ropes in the water that say 'its safe to swim here, but not over there' when really, its the exact same.  
which is the better example for my kids?  I never want to live a lie.  I am not a fan of "fake it till you make it," to me, its based on a lie, but to me "practice what you preach" is very true.


too many euphemisms?
they're kind of like stereotypes; no one likes them or wants to be stereotyped one way or another, but there is truth to them since they're based on the majority.  right?


now in my opinion, the important part is to not hold resentment.  don't get bitter.  don't hold onto the offense and let it root in you.  I can't help but think of "don't hate the player, hate the game" ... can't believe I just said that, but hey, its true.  to me its just like what Jesus said " father forgive them, for they know not what they do."


certain things in life don't work on a clock.
issues come when they need to.
holiday or no holiday, its when God says "NOW."

silver & gold

make new friends
but keep the old
some are silver
and the others gold


I learned this as a brownie.  (if you're not familiar, that's like a baby girl scout)
not sure if there is more to it or not.  anyone heard this before?  I ought to google it.  anyway ...


I have always had few close friends.  as you know, I'm on the introvert side, so opening up to less people fit me fine.  still does.
moving around as much as I have, it seems I don't have any.  none that I can go hang out with anyway.  my hubby can make 20 friends in one day.  not me.


making friends, to me, fits my assumption of what dating is like.  exchanging numbers, hanging out a few times to see if you have lots to talk about, if you're kids get along, etc.  people cancel your playdate, forget to call, or give you stupid excuses.  its like another game I don't need, or want.


most of the time I'm glad I don't have phone calls to return.  my alone time is down to once a week, so its valuable to me.  I can be alone with my thoughts, or, veg out and not think at all.


then of course when the sh*t hits the fan and things get rough, you wish someone was there for you giving their 2cents.  so you know you're not crazy.  or to get an outside perspective.  or just to get a hug.


there are people I have known in my thirty-something years that have really stuck with me.  in my head and in my heart.
people I will always think of and remember, no matter where I end up in life.


I am glad all my "friends" are online (thanks to this guy)  and yes, I'll admit, it is a tad pathetic, but as it is, I have no choice.
but its ok, I've already been through all the preliminary dating stuff with them, so we're good.








one of those friends came through for me tonight with some much needed encouragement.  
thank you, to my silver & gold friends
love to all

leaving christianity

can one really leave christianity?

I used to not think so, but I read this entertainment blog (which by the way, I NEVER do! I saw the title and it intrigued me.) and I thought she explained it just about perfectly.

Ann Rice fan? check it out.

living in the past

usually living in the past is a bad thing ... but I had to. let me explain.

I am driving a '91 Jeep Cherokee; had to get a 4x4 once we moved here. anyway, being a slightly older car it has a tape deck. hubby is planning on installing a CD player soon, but in the meantime I need my music. I am a car singer! I can't help it. since we live in the forest, I'm in the car a good 20-25 minutes before I get reception for any radio stations, which is a bummer.

at the thrift store the other day, I see a HUGE bin of tapes. because really, who has a tape deck anymore that uses it? so I'm digging through and find an oldie but a goodie, from back in my early teenage years ... dare I say it and totally embarrass myself? ... I paid .50 each for 2 New Kids on the Block tapes; Hangin' Tough & Step by Step. if I remember right, it's their very first and second albums.

yep, I loved them. now I didn't have the pillow cases or the action figure/dolls or write to their fan club, but I did have a poster or two in my bedroom, daydreaming about Joey, the baby of the group. aaawwwww!

look at this picture. then and now. look at that big fluffy hair! I don't care, they were studs then and now!

if you are too young to know what I'm talking about, they were my N Sync ... or if you happen to be too old to know, they were my Beatles.

now my cousin is a fan still. do you know they are on tour today? I think they have a new album, but I'm positive they are singing their oldies still. how could they not?! anyway, she just went on a road trip to Chicago to see them in concert and even got her picture taken with her heart throb Jordan; lucky girl!

ok, you're turn. what music do you love when you were a teenager? c'mon, make me laugh!