post-partum, day 3

I can finally stop buying tums, my heartburn is instantly gone.

my swollen feet and hands are not so swollen anymore.

I can now see my toes ... they need a pedicure.

I'm suddenly not eating 100 times a day.

I can sleep on my back again.

looking at my boobs, you'd think I ought to be a porn star or maybe a bra model.

did I mention that I also have a beautiful new baby too?

I want to capture his smell in a bottle so I'll always have it.

I love his soft skin, it's the softest.

I've forgotten about all that precious squeaking that babies do - love that too.

right now, he is my world and I am his.

Now a family of 4!

Elliott James is here!

born 05/28 at 7:50am
7 lbs. 8oz
19 1/2" long

pictures to come soon

make a difference

the elderly grandfather was walking on the beach with his young grandson.  as they walked, the grandson would periodically stop to pick up beached starfish and toss them back into the ocean.

the grandfather leaned towards his grandchild and said "my child, your gesture is touching but will make no difference.  do you know how wide the oceans are, how vast the number of beaches, and how numerous are the starfish that become trapped on the shore?"

the child looked up as he prepared to toss yet another starfish back into the ocean and said, "yes grandfather, but it sure makes a difference to this one!"

disneyland pictures

here's a few pictures from our adventure at Disneyland.  not too many; it was just the 2 of us.  it was fun, but I was sooooo whooped after that day.  someone will definitely have to come with us next time ... any volunteers?

on the merry-go-round and loving it!

this is me looking down past my belly on the merry-go-round.  I can only buckle the strap to the very first hole ... just barely.  I surprised myself that I could even get up on the stupid horse!

strong man competition in Toontown

Sam stopped to try on some hats and wigs.  Rasta Sam - he be jammin'!

and yep, he's got a boo-boo right under his nose.  he fell off our bed in the middle of the night and must've gone down face first.  poor guy.

by the way, Mickey says Hi!

it JUST hit me

any mom will tell you how precious, beautiful, innocent and perfect the baby looks when they're sleeping.  and even though Sam is 3 1/2 years old, it brings me right back to when he was days old, just beautiful.

I've been trying to wake him up now for about 1/2 hour - it's cloudy and rainy here, and on days like today he wants to sleep forever.  anyway ...

what hit me was that I love that kid like nothing else in this world.  you think of how irate mama bears are with their cubs, and if need be that's what I'd do too ... I'd tear you to pieces if I had to; anything to keep him safe.  I broke down in tears at the thought of him thinking I would feel any different ... as if a new baby brother would steal some of it away.  but that could NEVER happen.

  

Sam has changed my life; so much more than just becoming a mommy.  God has been using him from conception - he brought a burden into our already troubled house (harsh but true), something that needed to be totally uprooted.  hubby and I split up, about to be divorced, but all that held us together at the time was Sam.  without him, our healed marriage would not have happened.  without him, things would be VERY different.  one day God gave me scripture on Sam - Hebrews 1:14 - Are not all angels ministering spirits sent to serve those who will inherit salvation?

the way I see it, Sam saved my life.  he was that angel that came to save my life.  and now that I've been healed on many levels just by his existence, I can be the best mommy I can be and raise him to know how awesome God is, so he too can inherit salvation.  isn't God amazing?!

ok, so now I'm crying ...

... so I'm a bit emotional ...

... I am about to bring another life into this world ...

which by the way is only 6 days away now.  yes, I'm a bit freaked ...

but isn't God amazing?!

the real disturbed people

Sam and I went to Disneyland yesterday.  I was feeling energized for some reason and I've been wanting to go do something with Sam before brother gets here, so off we went.  I'll post some pictures of our day a bit later ...

but I saw something disturbing and I need to get it off my mind.  as you know, Disneyland attracts thousands everyday so it's a great place to people watch ... if you're into that.  with a toddler I can't just sit and stare, but I do try to be aware of others around me anyway.  so we're in 1 of the million gift shops there playing with some toys and I see this kid, probably 10ish, and his t-shirt says "I have autism.  what's your excuse?"  my jaw dropped and I read it again to be sure.  now I know that there are many smart-ass t-shirts out there, it's pretty "trendy" now, but some of them are just straight up crossing the line!!

was he really autistic?  and his parents actually bought him that to wear and advertise his condition?  how mean would that be?!  nice parenting!!  you can hear my sarcasm, right?  or was he another smart-ass kid who thinks he's funny?  he looked like a "normal" kid, but who can tell who has what these days anyway.  I don't know, it just really struck a cord with me.  I was totally disgusted.

who ought I'd be upset with -

the kid?  no he doesn't know better, whether he is autistic or not.  his parents?  they bought that awful t-shirt and allowed him to wear it at all, but apparently they're totally ignorant.  t-shirt manufacturer for making it at all?  well no because they're just in it for the money anyway, like all businesses.

it's the principle people!  doesn't anyone have any respect?

I don't even know anyone autistic or handicap in any way.  my whole life, I've always been sensitive to it though.  jokes about retarded or handicap people thoroughly pisses me off, so know that and just don't do it - ask my hubby, he knows.

why do people take so much of life for granted?  is it those people that don't know God and haven't gotten that revelation?  simple things like that could totally wound a person's spirit ... and yet who would know it?  who would even ask?  who cares?  the world is such a disgusting place sometimes ... a lot of times ... most of the time.

in regard to one of my last posts - instead of watching the disgust of the world on the news, I get it in little doses like this.

last ultrasound

I cannot believe I'll have 2 boys in about a week's time, talk about a new season!  considering all I've been through in this life already, it still amazes me that God believes I can do THIS.

after becoming a parent, I now know that there really is no greater "job" out there.  nothing can be this statisfying ... and other times I would say, nothing can be this frustrating either.  you may not believe me until it's your turn.  in fact, it's one of those things that you can get advice on  from everyone and TRY to get prepared for, but until you do it yourself, you just can't have any idea ... but all in a good way!

I got an ultrasound done on Friday to double check Elliot's size and my fluid levels; everything is perfect.  the plan remains - May 28th, 7am.  he will be closer to 39 weeks, hopefully he won't want to come out any earlier like his big brother.

my OB asked if I wanted her to check my cervix to see if my body is beginning "something" but I told her I didn't want to know a thing!  if it was anything other than normal, it would make me totally paranoid about going into early labor.  I will keep faith for May 28th!

there are just a couple of things I still need to buy before his debute, nothing too major though.  I'm to the "I"m done being pregnant" stage and am sore, uncomfortable, not sleeping well, and totally swollen, but I am completely thankful, blessed, excited, and anxious (in a good way) to hold this little guy in my arms.  those baby burritos are always so darn cute, I can't wait.  

just wondering

*is it bad I don't watch the news because the world is too depressing?  I feel like I have enough going on in my own little world (my home) that keeps me involved emotionally & mentally, I don't have the time, energy, or desire to know about the local robberies, the tragic child kidnappings, or the latest details of a rape case.  of course I have a heart for any and all victims, but I realize it puts more fear into me than anything.  becoming wrapped up in my own little world is literally putting blinders on to the rest.  is that how you have a close family?  by staying focused and involved?  not worrying about what other people are doing and saying?  it's taken me a long time to not care about the judgements of other people (sad, I know).  I think it took me facing the fears of becoming a parent to not care how other people did that same job.  mothering can be tough and you need to rely on yourself (along with God) to do it right - that 6th sense that mother's have is a real thing.

*I am not involved with politics either, is that bad?  it never interested me.  there seems to be way too much backstabbing going on with he said/she said (highschool type stuff), too many people get paid-off to be persuaded one way or another, and everyone has an opinion.  or rather, knows something you don't, automatically making it even more of a fact not opinion (to them!).  maybe I just don't like to debate; you have to be aggressive ... and that I get enough of at home from a certain somebody.  there is never one person I can totally agree with anyway.  I'm convinced God is in control and I'm at a point where I believe praying is the best thing we all could do, for our country as a whole or otherwise.  it's not a cop-out, I sincerely believe that to be true.

catch up blog

so instead of maternity shots, I got more of a family session done.  I haven't seen any of them, except for this one of me and Sam.  I hope they turned out ok.  it felt so funny to pose but not really pose, for the camera.  it wasn't "tilt your head this way and don't move" it was more like "ok, let's have a kiss or do this" but just knowing someone was watching me through the camera made me feel like I was to perform or something.  geez, I would absolutely HATE  to be a celebrity.  she did take some belly shots, not too many though.  I'll post more when I get 'em ... Roya?

I took a breastfeeding class last night at the hospital I will deliver at.  I thought since it's been a few years, that I could use a refresher on the tricks of it all.  I was sort of surprised to learn as much as I did; they are teaching it differently now.  in Reno I was taught to feed every 2-3 hours in the beginning no matter what; I got so mad at the nurses for waking me up in the middle of the night to feed Samuel when we were both sound asleep.  here they "require" the 8-12 times per day, but it is ok to cluster feed if that's what baby wants do.  also, the first 2 weeks of life is very important; no binkies, no bottles, no nothing during those first 2 weeks, just breast.  it's vital to get a solid foundation and the perfect latch before babies mouth gets used to anything else. once that's done, they encourage to use all the different nursing positions so no matter what the circumstance may be, baby will be able to eat.  makes sense.  breastfeeding is one of those things that is definitely easier said than done ... I'll just leave it at that, but after I say this ... I am completely convinced that there is nothing better for your baby, and all the frustrations of it is sooooo worth it in the end.  ok, I'm done.

I got to see the delivery rooms too.  all the ones I saw had an ocean view; I'm looking forward to that part.  chances are I'll catch the sunrise AND the sunset for at least a couple days.  nice, huh?

I bought some really small diapers yesterday.  it's really real, and it's really happening ... 2 weeks from today.  somehow walking around with a growing belly is not proof enough for me, it's buying all this baby stuff and setting up 'baby stations' throughout my house that is making it real.

I have 1 more OB appt on Friday at 3pm.  she wants to take 1 more ultrasound for measurements; to make sure that 2 weeks early is not too too early.  I have a feeling everything will be just perfect.

I've been talking to people who have been in my shoes and they tell me "it's only natural to be nervous.  in fact if you weren't nervous, something would be wrong with you."  at first I totally agreed; all the statistics and special circumstances allow me, or justify me to be nervous ... scared is the real word.  but it hit me a couple days ago, being someone who believes in God, fear cannot have a place in this.  so what about statistics, so what about the special circumstances, God has a plan regardless.  if this is my time to die, so be it, it's already planned.  if this is an experience to learn and grow from, so be it, it's already planned.  if this somehow allows God to shine, by all means, use me ... because it's already planned.  I just need to fully trust Him like I say I do, like the He wants me to, and like the bible tells me to.  I must find peace in that, if I don't, I have missed the point entirely.

Happy Mother's Day

Before I was a Mom,

I never tripped over toys or forgot words to a lullaby.

I didn't worry whether or not my plants were poisonous.

I never thought about immunizations.

Before I was a Mom, 

I had never been puked on.

pooped on.

chewed on.

peed on.

I had complete control of my mind and my thoughts.

I slept all night.

Before I was a Mom,

I never held down a screaming child so doctors could do tests.

or give shots.

I never looked into teary eyes and cried.

I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin.

I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.

Before I was a Mom,

I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn't want to put her down.

I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn't stop the hurt.

I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much.

I never knew that I could love someone so much.

I never knew I would love being a Mom.

Before I was a Mom,

I didn't know the feeling of having my heart outside my body.

I didn't know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby.

I didn't know that bond between a mother and her child.

I didn't know that something so small could make me feel so important and happy.

Before I was a Mom,

I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay.

I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonderment of the satisfactions of being a Mom.

I didn't know I was capable of feeling so much, before I was a Mom.

the business of being born

so I just watched 'The Business of Being Born' and I must say it hit a nerve. looking back on how Samuel was born, I feel sort of robbed.  I like how 1 midwife said it, and I'll paraphrase, "we spend more time researching what kind of electronics we want or what kind of car we'd like to drive.  what about researching the best way to bring a life into this world?!"

as a first time mom, I didn't research much.  I took the parenting and breastfeeding classes the hospital offered, thinking that's what I needed to become prepared; but then I just left it at that.  I assumed that the hospital was the safest place to be to have my baby, no matter which way he had to come out.  the doctors and nurses have done this millions of times before, and at the time, that fact was comforting.  what this video explains is BECAUSE the doctors and nurses have done this a million times before, it's all become such routine.  it's become a series of hoops to jump through, and if you fail, it's an automatic c-section ... basically.

with Samuel's birth, I started out on pitocin.  when the contractions got bad, I opted for IV drugs; skipping the epidural I wouldn't go numb and I would be able to know when to push ... or so that was the plan.  the drugs made me pretty loopy, but from what I remember, they told me his heartrate dropped too much too fast and I needed to have an emergency c-section.

in this video, they explained the standard cycle of medication the hospital will use for any/all labors.  and it really is a vicious cycle; even though mom is put at ease with drugs, baby still feels contractions and, more often than not, becomes stressed and loses oxygen altogether ... which will lower the heartrate and bring on more c-sections, and when the doctors tells you this, it brings more panic to mom.

after seeing that explained, that's why I feel sort of robbed.  it just fits what happened to me and Samuel; they could have very easily been the ones to actually cause the lowered heartrate and the need for surgery.  I made it to 8cm; my body was doing what it was suppose to ... but I felt I was at their mercy.  I would've felt like a bad mother if I didn't listen to their advice, because afterall, I just wanted a healthy baby.  it's one of those things; if only I had I known then what I know now.

labor and delivery is suppose to be the MOST beautiful part of pregnancy.  our bodies are made to do this!  it's too bad there is so much fear built up around it.  I would highly recommend this video to any/all first time mommies.

as much as I'd like to, there is nothing I can do about my upcoming surgery.  the majority of doctors don't do VBAC's.  I have decided to get my tubes tied, so for that reason, it works out nicely.  but I am in awe of women who get to fully experience the birth of their babies, the way it's intended to be.  it's a battle wound to be proud of; never forget the pain of it all, but also the amazing miracle it is.

I do believe in what doesn't kill you makes you stronger ... God doesn't give you things you cannot handle.  my hubby tells me a lot "you're A LOT stronger than you think" and he's right.  it's one of those things that is easier said than done, I know. keep me in your prayers; I'm a bit freaked about this surgery.  less than 3 weeks to go!

something interesting

looking for jewelry at a good price?

www.exboyfriendjewelry.com

I think this is such a clever idea!  each piece for sale comes with a bit of history of the relationship and why it's for sale.  there are some really good deals on here!

check it out!

the final phase

... it's called nesting, and I got it bad.  I've begun a cleaning/organizing spree that just isn't stopping.  it's partly because I'd like everything to be perfect for when baby Elliot comes home, but the other part is just because I KNOW nothing will get touched for ... who knows how long!

a couple things I discovered today cleaning my bathroom, maybe you can relate -

1. why are dust bunnies so difficult to catch?!

I was sweeping my bathroom for what seemed like an hour.  I can't bend over very easily anymore and so I'm trying to get them all together with the broom - near to impossible because they "run" everywhere!  which by the way, bending over is one of those things you don't know what you've got until it's gone; be thankful you have a waist and can bend!  I think I began to take this sweeping thing personally, it was very frustrating at the time.  stupid, I know.

2. why haven't women/wives protested years ago to make the men sit down and pee?  it AMAZES me all the little spots of pee I find on the walls surrounding the toilet.  it's gross!!  more than gross!!  all that pee is splattered everywhere.  if men sat down like us women, all the splattering would be in the toilet where it's suppose to be.  "the goods" are not THAT huge that they really need to stand up; it's total laziness.  it is apparently too much effort to pull down your pants every potty visit ... but could men do anything like a women, even for just 1 day?  probably not.  men are from mars and women are from venus, right?

fun facts

here are some fun facts on babies & pregnancy.

yes, I have baby on the brain!

* 1 in 300 women in the US has given birth in a car

* the first home pregnancy test (1977) took 2 hours to give results!

* more babies are born in August and September; the fewest are born in November

* you have less than a 2% chance to have twins naturally

* your uterus expands 1000 times it's original size for baby

* 1 in 2000 babies are born with a tooth

* the oldest women to give birth was 67 in 2006

* 20% of births are induced; doubled since 1989

* 1 in 20 babies are born on their actual due date

I got the call ... May 28th at 7am.

23 days to go!

26 days to what?!

so it's officially official

my OB is ok with moving my c-section date back a few days more to May 28th so we can get into the hospital I wanted.  it's 2 weeks early of my due date, but I feel totally at peace about it.  Sam was naturally 2 weeks early, and from what I understand, you typically have babies the same way or close to it.  after today's appointment, I now feel a bit more settled; knowing his birth date and that I can get my tubes tied at the same time.

I was playing with the camera the other day.  here's the most recent picture of me and baby ... which by the way I think we're going with Elliot James, and we'll probably call him Eli.  if you saw this belly from the front, you'd see I have no sort of belly button left.  it's kinda funny how much it stretched to flatten out completely and it's no longer an "inn-ie" at all!  here, I'm 35 weeks along.